


tear out all of my love (until my blood runs sober)

by magnoliafilms



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Actor!Jacob, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, M/M, bbangkyu, implied panic attacks, la la land inspired, non-binary characters, pianist!kevin, sangwoo if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:34:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25484743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnoliafilms/pseuds/magnoliafilms
Summary: We begin in an unrecognisable bar on an especially quiet kind of Thursday. Kevin Moon lays his hands on the keys of an old and slightly out of tune grand piano, and with a sigh, begins to play.[Heavily Inspired by La La Land.]
Relationships: Bae Joonyoung | Jacob/Moon Hyungseo | Kevin, Side Ji Changmin/Kim Younghoon
Comments: 12
Kudos: 64
Collections: Director's Cut Fest





	1. Act 1

**Author's Note:**

> The work title is from the song Utican by Novo Amor.  
> I don't believe I ever intended for this lovely little lady to be nearly this long, but sometimes, these things just happen.
> 
> The biggest Thank You of all to Mei for being an excellent beta. Thank you so much for all of your work on this (I think I've said that a few too many times, but never enough!).

We begin in a bar. It’s the unknowable kind that often finds itself on some dingy backstreet in downtown Los Angeles. The building is filthy. And it's only recognisable label is an indecipherable scrawl in white spray paint against the pure black concrete of the outside wall.

Pure black is generous. The paint is chipped and cracking in most places, but the owners of this  _ fine establishment  _ are far too preoccupied being well off, and entitled to bother with the likes of the general public.

We meet our protagonist where we usually do on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Holed away in the same disgusting corner of  _ The Red Rabbit _ . The grand piano that also inhabits this corner all year round is a fine creature of agony. It’s old. Far too old to still be used as often as it is, but the bar had made an investment, and they’d decided long ago that they would in fact get their money’s worth.

It’s a quiet kind of Thursday. The students, if they ever bothered to venture out into the busy populatarian streets, would prefer to go to a  _ real _ bar. Not whatever The Red Rabbit claimed itself to be. Our protagonist doesn’t mind Thursdays. There were worse ways he could spend his time, worse places he could be. 

Kevin Moon had begun playing piano at the age of six. As he, in his mother’s eyes, had already developed a fully functioning adult brain, this was already too late for his mother, but the instructor she wanted only began teaching when children had at least begun their primary schooling. Madam Yoo was a tall and thin woman, with thin straight hair that she tied back precisely. She taught her lessons in much the same manner that she greeted life. With stern expressions and a firm disgust for the undisciplined. 

Kevin’s mother had taken him for his first lesson the day after his sixth birthday. She claimed that he was blessed with unlocked talent that needed to be shared with the world. This was… Not entirely the birthday present he’d been hoping for, but one that he soon came to love. Despite the witch who leaned over his shoulder for an hour every week, and the rigorous practice schedule that his mother forced upon him, Kevin did not develop a firm distaste for the instrument.

If anything, he loved it. While most would see it as a chore or a hobby, Kevin leaned on it in his youth. Fell in love with the gorgeous sounds he could make, the songs he could play.

Naturally, he hadn't believed it would lead anywhere. It was a simple passion that he could practice on the side, but his father was convinced he would be the nation’s next leading cardiac surgeon. So he tucked away the talent, kept it safe for home practices, little moments of quiet. Focusing instead on his studies and attaining perfect grades. He didn’t have many friends in high school, choosing instead to think about making some when he finally got to college. 

He was accepted into UCLA, deciding to depart the country if only to reduce his contact with his family. His parents were ecstatic, his father had never been more proud. His mother couldn’t quite believe it. She had cried at first. Now that it was rushing in her face, she was unsure she wanted her son to be so far away. But Kevin’s father was quick to snap her out of it. Long-winded rants about the wild possibilities of his future.

Originally born in Vancouver, Canada, Kevin had packed away his things and made off to Los Angeles, leaving behind everything he had ever even begun to know. He had bid his doting parents farewell and promptly attended college to receive a major in medicine. And he wasn’t half bad; he worked hard, he put the effort in. It was only halfway through his second year that he realised he was completely and utterly miserable. The only times he ever played anymore were in half whispered promises in luckily empty practice rooms.

He missed it. Regularly playing. The sheet music. The wonderful feeling of being with the piano. He was out of practice for sure, but that never stopped him from pausing at every keyboard or instrument he could get his hands on to just play.

He had hoped for greatness. He just hadn’t expected it in the way it arrived. Bustling in with the air of a beautiful nightmare, an idea struck. If anything to just get him away from everything he once thought he was. He dropped out. 

His father was mortified. His mother refused to speak to him for months. He hadn’t spoken to either of them in weeks. And for some strange reason, he never minded. He found a job. The Red Rabbit needed a pianist three times a week, and coincidentally, his entire schedule had just freed up. It wasn’t much, but it was more than Kevin had hoped for.

Changmin, his roommate from college and resident best friend had offered to move into a flat with him. Something he clearly didn’t deserve but was forever grateful for. It was difficult at first, but they made it work. 

Kevin often forgot that playing in front of people was his job. Usually tucked away in the darkest and sweatiest corners of half decent pubs and bars, he tended to lose himself in the piano. He found himself more jobs, word got around and more small scale bars took him on as a regular musician. The pay was… Abysmal at best. And barely enough to cover rent at worst. But after a few years at it, he had finally decided that anything was better than crawling back to his parents and begging them to give him a place to stay.

They were unsupportive enough as it was.

Kevin was the kind of musician you didn’t pay attention to. The classical background type that was seldomly snatched up by uninterested restaurants and unpaying customers. Kevin couldn’t remember the last time he’d played at an actual  _ event _ . 

This particular quiet Thursday, he was drowning in his usual self doubt and fear of debt in the corner. Minding his own business, when the noisiest group came bursting through the door. He barely glanced up, noticing a solid group of at least thirty. They looked like students. Kevin chose to ignore them. 

He finished the song he was playing. Smiled at the smattering of patrons who applauded and paused for a moment before starting a new song. He’d settled on one of the softer songs he knew. Something quieter for the murmuring guests who sat at the smaller tables nearer to the piano. A few of them hummed half-drunkenly into their beers as they listened. Kevin liked Thursdays. Thursdays for the regulars. For those who came to share their own lonesome company with him, with the others who solemnly asked for comfort in the form of a song. He was all too willing to give it to them.

He pressed his fingers softly to the keys and hummed in time. He felt the piano beneath him, felt the way it slightly resisted when he pressed his foot to the pedal. That familiar slur as the keys on the higher octaves stuck when he touched them. The way the chords seemed to swallow the piece whole and at the same time reverberate around the entire room. 

He surged into the final part and was prepared to finish the song gently. But a loud laugh sounded from the table where the group was sitting. His head shot up and he hit a wrong note. He cringed and immediately refocused on the piano. Trying to salvage his tune.

But the spell was broken. He could see it in the way the patrons regarded him afterwards. The tentative way they clapped. The way a few stood and moved to the bar. Claiming another drink and hovering before moving back to their tables.

Kevin tried to refocus. Stared at his hands, at the keys, at the hangnail that clung to his left index finger. He was no stranger to slip ups, but that laugh was still clinging to his mind. Old and warm, biting and familiar, but he couldn’t place it. Couldn’t seem to remember where he’d heard it before. 

He glanced up once more. Directing his gaze over to the table with the large group, he hadn’t expected to meet eyes with anyone. But the second he did, he knew immediately who the owner of the laugh was. The eyes that gazed back at him were not harsh or judging like they once were. They were overly curious and regarded him with a sense of almost unease. 

He didn’t like it. Whatever this feeling was that seemed to sweep over him as he locked eyes with this almost stranger. It felt odd and uncomfortable and empty. He closed his eyes. Breathed out a heavy and filling sigh. He refocused on the piano. He picked a simpler song. One that wouldn’t be so easy for him to trip up on because he wasn’t entirely sure he trusted his hands not to shake.

He squeezed his eyes shut once more, let out a final shaking and rattly breath and set his fingers to the keys.

The song was a somber one. He knew it would be impossible to mess up the third song Madam Yoo had ever taught him. Playing it was second nature. He closed his eyes for a moment as he let himself drift away with the melody. Felt the way the beautiful timbre of the beat up piano easily carried the odd sense of melancholy in the piece. 

Even now he thought it was a strange song to give a six year old. He let his hands scale the piano, pressing each note with a deadly precision that had come with 16 years of practice. It was in moments like these that he thought of his father. He watched his own hands climb up and down in sweeping changes. He would have made a good surgeon.

It was only when he finished that he realised the room had gone silent. He pressed the last notes with a swaying sense of finality and looked up to realise that the entire room was watching him. Intent eyes all looking for something. Structural and analysing and all too critical of such a simple piece. 

There was a beat of silence, before the room erupted into applause. Some of the elder patrons burst into heart wrenching sobs. Those at the crowded table all stood as they clapped. There was a round of whistles and shouts and Kevin sat open-mouthed as he watched it all unfold. 

He’d always known he was good, but never had he received such a welcoming end. 

_ He _ was standing up, eyes dark and almost verging on teary. He watched Kevin with such a sense of severity that Kevin felt his stomach drop as he tore his gaze away. That stare felt too unfamiliar, too close to something that Kevin had spent too many moments wishing for. He murmured a few quiet thank you’s and waited for the noise to calm down. He checked his watch. 

One more song, and he could go home. One more song and he could escape the unexpected tension that had swelled. That had suddenly cut a gaping hole into his chest. His breaths came short and staggering as he paused.

He waited. Until the last standing were sitting, and everyone who wanted one had gotten their refills from the bar. He waited until he thought his hands were capable of performing a song that wouldn’t press so deeply into the audience. Thursdays were not for melancholy emotions. 

He laid his hands against the keys once more. Breathed out heavily in the thick and surrounding silence. 

“This is the last one for this evening folks,” He announced softly, there was a murmur around the crowd, and a few held tighter to their drinks.

_ His _ head shot up at that. He had gone back to staring at his phone. He frowned unconvincingly. Kevin almost laughed, this was the most attention he’d ever received. He was used to the unconscious ignorance. Simply glossing over the fact that Kevin even existed. It was something he could hide behind, such simple disregard. Not this softening gaze. That lingering look that kept drifting his way. It felt… 

_ Strange. _

Kevin felt uneasy as he fell into the song, but quickly let himself slip away. Softly at first, and then the feeling was all encompassing and impossible to ignore. His hands recognised the old feeling. Time mashed into one uncontrollable moment and soon enough, he concluded the song with a mind-numbing sense of certainty. 

The crowd elicited a noise of affirmation, there was a repeat of that odd smattering of applause. Not nearly the splendour of the reaction from before, but Kevin decided he’d take his wins as they came. 

He thanked the patrons sitting nearest the piano and closed the lid gently. Juyeon, who worked behind the bar, nodded at him as he stood from his seat and turned away to put on the music over the speakers. While he flicked through the half broken iPod, Kevin stepped over to the bar and slumped in one of the stools.

“You need a drink?” Juyeon asked with a raised eyebrow. 

Kevin laughed mirthlessly and thrust his face into his palms. He groaned as he undid the top button of his shirt and scrubbed a hand over his eyes.

Juyeon watched him in amusement and set about making him something with too many differing bottles of liquor to be even remotely considered safe to drink. He placed the glass in front of Kevin and watched with a self-assuring smirk as Kevin lifted the drink up to stare at its contents. The liquid was thick and clung to the sides of the glass in entirely the wrong colour. Kevin could only imagine what that would do to him.

“There’s no way I’m drinking this,” He stared at Juyeon like he was half mad. “Why is it…  _ Why _ , is it blue?”

“Let’s just say,” Juyeon said, gazing at the glass affectionately. Almost looking the part of some mad scientist. “You’ll be glad you’re not working tomorrow.”

He paused again, “I also hope you’re walking home.”

Kevin took another glance at the glass. Contemplated just how much he valued his sanity. His job. His relationship with his flatmate. 

“Fuck it,” He said under his breath as he tipped the entirety of his glass back and swallowed thickly. It burned worse than anything he’d ever tasted and he nearly coughed up a lung as he placed the glass back on the bar. Juyeon had never looked more impressed with himself and Kevin could already feel an overwhelming sense of dread begin to take over. 

“Have fun Kev,” Juyeon said as he took the glass away to clean it. 

That was when he felt the presence of someone standing just behind his shoulder. He turned, head already slightly spinning, expecting a stranger wanting another drink.

“Kevin Moon,” Said the un-stranger, “I almost didn’t recognise you.”

In a heartbeat Kevin found himself regretting every decision he’d ever made. He forced his face into a disgusting excuse for a smile and tried to ignore the steady fog that was rolling into the creases of his brain. His tongue felt muddy in his mouth and he could tell that standing up was going to be a difficult feat.

“Jacob Bae,” He grimaced as he spoke, the words felt thick as they fell upon likely sober ears. He hated how far gone he was already. Yet he persisted. “I’m surprised you remember my name.”

Jacob froze. His shoulders visibly tensed and Kevin bit back a sneer. “Of course I do,” Jacob said, his tone wavered slightly and Kevin almost laughed, his head felt heavy and warm, his cheeks felt hot.

Jacob Bae, who had simply ignored his very being for nearly two years. They’d shared a chemistry class for two semesters and Kevin had fallen  _ hopelessly _ in love. Though, it was pointless, relentlessly pining for a boy who wouldn’t even give him the time of day. It had been a juvenile crush, one that when shoved away and untended had festered, bubbled and boiled beneath the surface. 

Kevin could take it. He forced it down and focused instead on his studies. He stayed away. Accepted the fact that he wouldn’t ever be a part of Jacob’s life and kept mostly to himself. 

The worst he’d had to deal with had been when the theatre department decided to team up with the music students for a musical production of Anything Goes. Kevin had volunteered for the piano accompaniment. After a short audition he’d been given the part without a second thought. In the beginning it had seemed like a good idea. But then Jacob had, of course, been cast in the lead.

What followed was three months of week long torture. When he wasn’t suffering through mundane and painful classes he had no real interest in being part of, Kevin was attending rehearsals that lasted hours, spending time with someone who he helplessly pined for who barely acknowledged his existence. It did nothing to quash any possibly receding feelings that Kevin had thought might have faded. Most evenings, Kevin went to bed praying he wouldn’t wake up. 

But he had made it out. Finished the last of the performances and avoided every single cast party and get together that had been planned and returned to life as usual. Four weeks later he’d dropped out.

Kevin would never admit that Jacob was part of the reason he dropped out. The other exponential factors all but drowned that part out. So he didn’t think about it. Didn’t consider that  _ that _ was even a possibility. Because that would be like giving up. Giving in. 

“Didn’t think I’d see you around here,” He realised Jacob was saying, “I thought you’d moved back to Canada.”

Kevin’s mouth was moving before he could stop it. “I never left Jacob. I’ll be honest, I was surprised you even recognised me.” His words were clunky and unnecessarily defensive. He felt the way they sounded with an internal disgust and wanted to cut off his own tongue.

Jacob almost looked taken aback. But regained his composure just as quickly. “Of course I recognised you… I just wanted to come and congratulate you on your performance. But  _ evidently _ you’re too drunk to comprehend that.”

Kevin rolled his eyes with every ounce of distaste he could muster. “I am not drunk,” But even as he slurred out that declaration, he could feel the full force of the surrounding cloud consume him. “You’re just an asshole.”

Jacob paused at that. His shoulders visibly tightened and he seemed to draw himself inwards. Kevin almost didn’t notice. Jacob glanced over at Juyeon who was nonchalantly cleaning glasses in the corner. Pretending he wasn’t watching the whole ordeal. 

“What did you give him?” Jacob asked accusingly.

“My own special concoction. He’ll be fine in the morning, he probably just needs to sleep it off.”

Kevin opened his mouth. To protest? To plead his case? He wasn’t entirely sure. He pressed his tongue against his lip, his mouth still hung open. He hadn’t realised Jacob was staring at him.

“Okay, should I honestly be concerned? Because this,” Jacob paused and waved his hand in Kevin’s general direction. “Isn’t quite right.”

“Maybe you should ask yourself that. He only started acting weird when you walked in. I just… Gave him something to clear his mind.”

Jacob looked a little startled at that, he blinked a few more times than necessary, “Clear his mind, more like wipe it entirely,” He muttered angrily. He covered his eyes with a hand and breathed in, heaving out a heavy sigh. 

“Can you stand up?” He asked Kevin warily.

Kevin glared at him as best he could. “Of course I fucking can,” It came out less harsh than he’d intended and he bit his tongue firmly to keep from saying anything else. He placed a hand on the bar and pushed himself up. Wobbling slightly and leaning heavily on his supporting hand. But he was standing up.

He grinned cockily at Jacob and almost laughed at the look of sheer disgust that graced his face. Jacob took in another of his breathy sighs. He tilted his head slightly as he looked at Kevin. 

“You’re absolutely fucked, aren’t you.” 

Kevin frowned at the comment and went to respond with some snappy response, but found he had managed to lose all of his words. 

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Jacob pressed another hand to his forehead, “I’m taking you home. My car is outside, do you think you can walk there?” 

Kevin glared at him again, “I’m not going with you. I’ll walk.”

Jacob looked to Juyeon in exasperation, who simply shrugged in response. Jacob glanced between the pair of them for a moment, eyes evidently deliberating just leaving them to handle the situation themselves. 

“Well too bad,” He finally said, placing a hand on Kevin’s shoulder, “I’m taking you home, you can’t seriously think you could get home by yourself like this, can you? Besides, I’m not actually giving you a choice.” Kevin stared at the hand fixed on his shoulder, hoping that some overseeing power would suddenly bless him with laser vision. 

“Fucker,” Kevin said ungratefully as Jacob led him to the exit. Jacob pretended that he didn’t hear the comment and instead focused on keeping Kevin upright as they walked. Kevin was significantly less stable then he had claimed but still insisted that he was fine, and ‘not drunk’. 

Jacob unlocked his car. It made a little beeping noise as he pressed the button on his keys. He opened the passenger door first and helped Kevin into the seat, clicked in his seatbelt while Kevin glared back at him. He shut the door and moved around the vehicle to the drivers side door. 

“Will you tell me your address? Or am I going to have to find out myself…” Jacob asked, Kevin felt only mildly disoriented by the gentle tone that laced his voice. Jacob looked at him expectantly, Kevin’s still closed mouth seemed to answer his question. “Right then.”

As Jacob pulled out his phone, Kevin turned his head to face the window. It had fogged up slightly in the time they’d been sitting inside the car and he lifted a finger to trace circles along the damp surface.

“Uhhh, Changmin is your flatmate. So that means… Chanhee would know where you live… Or he can ask at least...” Jacob mumbled under his breath as he typed rapidly into his phone. After a moment it buzzed and Jacob tapped the screen a few more times. “Fantastic. Good to know,” He turned to Kevin, “Thank you  _ so _ much for your help, Mr. Moon.” 

He placed his phone in the cup holder and started the car. Kevin stared out the window as they drove, the fog covering the window started to fade away the more the car warmed up. He was sad to see the circles go. The lights that passed by outside lit up the inside of the car in wonderfully coloured lights.

Jacob didn’t speak. He said nothing for the entirety of the drive. But the twitch in his jaw said that something was bothering him. He kept his eyes on the road. 

When he pulled up to Kevin’s flat, he finally glanced over. Kevin was slumped almost completely against the passenger's side door. His mouth hung slightly open with his lips parted and his eyes closed softly. Jacob sighed again. He was getting quite good at doing that. 

He got out of the car and made his way around to Kevin’s side. He opened the door carefully and caught Kevin before he completely fell out of the car, pulling him upright so that they were standing inches apart.

“Kev…” Jacob whispered, tapping him lightly on the cheek. “You awake?”

The tender gesture would have made a more coherent version of Kevin recoil in disgust. But this Kevin groaned instead, twisting awkwardly between Jacob’s hands. He leaned forward and rested his head against Jacob’s shoulder. He was too far gone to recognise the way Jacob tensed at the added weight, at the almost overwhelming closeness. Or the way Jacob slid a supportive arm around him as he shuffled them both to the door. 

He missed the way Jacob anxiously knocked on the front door and explained quietly in hushed tones to a glaring Changmin as to why his best friend was nearly passed out on his shoulder. Missed the way Changmin stood awkwardly in the doorway as he let Jacob into their all too homely flat. When Jacob tried his best to half carry, half drag Kevin to his room and lay him carefully in his bed.

Missed the way Jacob paused in the doorway as he left and whispered a near silent, uncharacteristic “Night Kev,” as he shut the door behind him.

**_☾_ **

Jacob Bae did not get flustered.

It was a key part of his very being. His personality and core character revolved around his ability to force up a wall of indifference at the slightest sign of adversity.

As an amateur actor with hopes of making it big, this was crucial to the perfection of his art. This extreme talent for shutting down anything that could cause his resolve to shatter. That could break down the shell of this perfect persona he’d spent years crafting.

He was  _ Jacob Bae _ for god’s sake. He’d gotten the lead role in the theatre programme’s performances for two consecutive years in a row. His teachers and fellow students were convinced he was going to make it big straight out of university.

And yet, here he was. Sitting in his perfectly affordable 2005 Prius, parked outside Kevin bloody Moon’s apartment. His entire face felt hot, and the tips of his ears burned like they had when he had come home from his first ever audition.

All he could think about was Kevin. Kevin resting against his shoulder. Dragging him through the hallways of his apartment and dodging suspicious glances from Kevin’s mildly intimidating roommate. 

It was well past midnight. Since his last text thanking Chanhee for the address, he had received a large number of new texts, which seemed to get increasingly more and more curious and interrogating as Jacob had seemed to ignore the texts. 

Chanhee:  _ Why do you need to know where Changmin lives, Jacob? _

Chanhee:  _ Why couldn’t you just ask him where he lives? _

Chanhee:  _ Unless it’s not Changmin you’re after… _

Jacob shut his phone quickly. He decided he would deal with  _ that _ can of worms tomorrow. He laid his hands against the steering wheel and dropped his head heavily against them. His mind twisted and he again thought of Kevin.

Jacob remembered him from a chemistry class they’d shared. Kevin had always been quiet, sat at the back of the class. Barely spoke in class and yet still somehow managed to get perfect scores on every test and exam.

Jacob had sat nearer to the front, and so they’d never been forced to interact. He’d always been engaged and present during lectures. He couldn’t understand it, how someone so reserved could be so well regarded by the professor. 

But Kevin’s success in the class had only served as a distraction. And so Jacob had done his best to block out the nagging thoughts that presented themselves as every turn. 

_ This is not what you want to focus on, _ The little voice in his head would say,  _ This is but a necessity, a minor setback. And to survive you must do well. You must be the best. _

This had happened in most of his classes. This overwhelming desire to be the best. To overtake anyone who stood in his way. And for the most part, he managed. But Kevin had always seemed to be just a step ahead.

Until one day, he simply disappeared. 

He did not show up to class. Not a single lecture for an entire week. Jacob noticed the way his name was not on the roll. One day he’d nudged the girl who sat next to him and asked.

“I heard he dropped out and went home,” She hissed at him when the professor was looking elsewhere. “Couldn’t handle the pressure I guess.”

Jacob hadn’t understood it at first, how someone who seemed to be doing so well could simply crumble from the ‘pressure’. But in the end, that had been deemed a distracting thought. So he had tossed it away after but a moment's consideration.

But Kevin had reappeared, like some ghost from a former life. And he’d played the piano in such a heartbreaking way that Jacob felt like he’d known it all his life. And Kevin had seemed so different from who he’d been barely a year ago. 

That burning ferocity that had flared in his eyes. _ I’ll be honest, I was surprised you even recognised me.  _ Jacob wasn’t entirely sure why that comment had stung as much as it had. 

He realised he’d been sitting outside the apartment for far too long, and started his car silently. He drove through the darkened streets, the quiet hum of the  car radio provided the perfect background noise for his troubled and turbulent thoughts.

His roommate was awake when he got home. Sangyeon sat hunched over their computer on their bed, the lights were turned off and their fingers ran noisily across the keyboard. The white light from the computer screen covered them in an eerily pale glow.

They did not look up when Jacob walked in. “What are you working on?” Jacob asked as he shrugged off his jacket and tossed his keys onto his desk. He flicked the lights on.

“Writeup for physics,” Sangyeon said quickly, refusing to lift their eyes from the document on the screen. Their fingers moved at an impossible speed across the keys, and at any other time, Jacob would have found the sound rather frustrating. “It’s due tomorrow.”

“Ah,” Jacob said, and moved to his wardrobe to find something suitable to sleep in. After a moment Sangyeon hit one key with a seeming sense of finality. 

“Done,” They said and clicked the screen a few times before slamming their computer shut with a wide smile on their face. “How was the cast dinner?” They paused and lifted their phone for a second, “You’re late home… Anything interesting happened?”

Jacob laughed and dropped onto his bed, “Not at the dinner.”

Sangyeon raised a curious eyebrow and motioned for Jacob to go on. 

“Do you remember Kevin Moon?” Jacob started cautiously.

“I do… We played in  _ Anything Goes _ together,” Jacob’s shoulders tensed unreasonably once more. 

“He was in that?” Jacob asked quietly.

Sangyeon rolled his eyes, “For fuck’s sake. What have you done now?”

“Kevin didn’t go back to Canada.” 

“I could have told you that.”

Jacob narrowed his eyes, “But you didn’t.”

Sangyeon stood from their bed and placed their computer on their desk. “ _ You  _ didn’t ask,” They said evenly. “What’s with the fascination with Kevin Moon all of a sudden?”

“I saw him tonight. He was playing at the Rabbit… You know the one?” Sangyeon nodded briefly, “He was drunk, so I gave him a ride home…”

“He was drunk while playing? Can’t imagine that would have been much good, but that boy does have talent growing out his fingertips…”

“No,” Jacob said, cutting them off. “His friend at the bar gave him some disgusting combination after he finished. I couldn’t let him walk home like that.”

“Right,” Sangyeon said, “So if that’s all that happened, why are you giving me that look?”

Jacob hadn’t realised his expression had drifted into anything unusual, but quickly schooled his features into something neutral and perfectly unbothered. “I’m not… I wasn’t–”

Sangyeon arched an eyebrow, “What happened Jay? You know you can talk to me…”

“I don’t know. I just really don’t… I–”

Sangyeon stepped forward and held out a hand. Jacob stopped his mumbling and pressed his own hand into Sangyeon’s. “It’s ok that you don’t know. I just want you to know that if you need to talk about it, I’m right here.”

Jacob squeezed their hand for a moment, before letting go and sliding under his bed covers. Sangyeon flicked off the lights and quietly got into their own bed. As Jacob lay in the dark, his head was filled with clouded thoughts moving a million miles per hour.

Kevin was at the forefront. A murky patch that Jacob felt unsure of. Wisps of gentle hands scaling piano keys and soft half asleep breaths pressed against the skin of his neck. It felt terribly overwhelming and yet Jacob didn’t want any of them to disappear.

And what he was most certain of, was the fact that he wanted to see Kevin again. 


	2. Act 2

All Kevin recognised was the agonising headache he woke up with. The memory of that applause, and Juyeon’s stupid drink… And Jacob showing up at the bar, like some exiled ghost with an unresolved story. That was a burning reminder that he didn’t need nor want. He grimaced and gritted his teeth against the pounding in his head and the throbbing sound of his own heart beating in his ears.

He slid out of his bed and regretted every decision he’d ever made in his life. He groaned as he half staggered, half crawled into the kitchen for an aspirin. He passed through the door and was met with the smuggest looking Changmin he’d ever seen. 

Kevin didn’t have it in him to avoid his eyes. He stared directly back as he took two tablets and a full glass of water. Once he’d swallowed the pills, he sunk to his knees on the kitchen floor, twisting slightly so that he was sitting with his legs stretched out in front of him. The look on his face practically dared Changmin to comment. Changmin bit gladly, relishing in the opportunity he was so rarely offered.

“Had a nice night?” He raised a cocky eyebrow and took a deep sip from his steaming mug. “I thought you worked on Thursdays… But from the looks of it, it was quite the rager.”

Kevin resisted the urge to reach into the drawer and throw the first knife he saw. Instead he resorted to shooting daggers with his eyes. 

“I hate you.”

“I’m starting to think you don’t actually know what that word means, because last I checked you hated Jacob Bae. And the other last time I checked, you don’t usually get carried home half-conscious by people you hate.”

“I hate you,” Kevin said again. He squeezed his water glass tightly and briefly wondered if he was strong enough to shatter it. 

“And also…” Changmin paused again, taking another deep sip, “Do you not pay any attention to anything I say? What have I said about accepting drinks from Juyeon? I don’t know how that man is still employed. He should at least have a warrant for his arrest by now, half the shit he concocts is borderline poisonous.”

“I hate you,” Kevin said once more. He knew that Changmin didn’t believe him for a second, but he didn’t really have the energy for anything else. He also knew that it was not Changmin that he hated. 

He stood, ignoring the way the pain in his head surged forwards and instead made for the couch. He sunk into the comforting material. He still clutched at his half-empty glass of water. He groaned again and Changmin simply laughed at him.

“So Jacob Bae, huh?” Changmin said, there was an odd lilt to his voice. Hiding something beneath layers of nonchalance. 

“What about Jacob?” Kevin snapped as he took another sip of his water. He wanted to merge with the couch, cease to exist. Disintegrate into terrible hate filled ash. 

“There’s a fine line...” Changmin paused, barely a beat and breath between, “Do we hate him right now? Or are we hopelessly infatuated.”

“I  _ hate _ you,” Kevin said again, all too aware how petulant he sounded. 

“Not an answer. It didn’t look much like you hated him last night when he brought you home.”

“What does that even–” Kevin cut himself off, dropping his head and conceding, “I should have fucking walked. I should have fucking walked home.” 

“Oh, please,” Changmin said, rolling his eyes dramatically, “You could barely stand up when he brought you back. If you’d walked I would have found you passed out in some fucking alleyway.”

“You would not,” Kevin argued back heatedly, he could feel his face flush slightly.

“You don’t know that,” Changmin shot back. Kevin stopped arguing at that.

After another swig of his drink, Changmin spoke up again, “There’s another party next Saturday. Are you working or do you wanna come?”

“Who’s hosting?”

“Eric and Sunwoo, I think… It’s at their dorm anyway.”

“Eric from world history? Right?” Changmin nodded once, dropping his eyes to his steaming mug once more. Kevin thought over the invitation, “Oh, yeah sounds cool,” Changmin hummed, there was another moment of comfortable silence between them.

“You should thank him,” Changmin finally said.

Kevin snorted loudly, “Thank him? Jacob?” Changmin pressed his lips against the rim of his mug and tipped his head slightly, “For what?” Kevin said incredulously.

“Bringing you home? Stopping you from walking home in the middle of fucking Los Angeles while drunk off your fucking rocker?”

Kevin shut his mouth. Cast his eyes to the ground. Fiddled with the glass between his hands. 

“I’ll think about it,” Was all he said.

Changmin huffed and stalked off to his room. Kevin caught the dramatic eye roll cast his way as he left, but couldn’t find it in him to care. He stayed seated on the kitchen floor, nursing his glass of water.

_ ☾ _

On most of the days (and some that he was) Kevin wasn’t playing at The Red Rabbit, he worked part time at a local convenience store. Kevin seemed to have an affinity for finding the least appealing locations to work in, but it always seemed to work out. Whatever he was doing was apparently at least mildly correct.

That Friday happened to be one of those days. So he grabbed his jacket and phone and headed off to the store in the afternoon. 

When he arrived, Sunwoo was already putting through a transaction. The customer was a girl around their age. Sunwoo was clearly trying to make a move, but she was having none of it. She looked less uncomfortable and more fed-up and amusingly uninterested. Kevin rolled his eyes, but was, unfortunately, not surprised. He moved over to the counter with purpose and shrugged off his jacket. 

He greeted the customer and smiled kindly, she seemed grateful for his presence. Sunwoo sent him a poisonous look. Kevin didn’t react and instead moved to the small closet behind the counter and hung his jacket inside. Sunwoo was still handling the sale, it seemed to be taking a little longer than usual. 

“So like, could I maybe like, get your number? Or something?” Kevin heard Sunwoo saying.

He knew it was his time to intervene. “Hey Woo, could you help me shift this display?”

He heard the girl make some form of polite excuse and goodbye before she left, sending Kevin another grateful glance as the bell above the door chimed. Sunwoo dejectedly shuffled over to where Kevin was shifting a soap display that absolutely did not require any form of updating.

“Stop hitting on the fucking customers Woo. The shop is not your own personal dating app,” Kevin said the second the door shut.

“But she was hot. And she was lowkey checking me out man,” Sunwoo whined.

“I can guarantee you, she was not  _ lowkey _ checking you out. Nor was she  _ actually _ checking you out. Just leave the customers alone.”

Sunwoo huffed out a half annoyed sigh. Kevin bumped him gently with his elbow, “You’ll find someone someday my guy, but I don’t think today is that day. And I also don’t think the store is the place to find the love of your life.”

“I’m going to be lonely forever Kevin,” Sunwoo sighed dramatically, and draped himself over Kevin’s shoulder.

“You should be an actor, you’re really nailing the dramatic asshole who only goes after randoms he meets at work,” Kevin said as he turned away sharply and began rearranging the contents of the checkout counter.

“Oi!” Sunwoo said, nudging him hard in the side with a smile. “You’d go for me if I was an actor.”

Kevin glared at him, “I would not. Your disgusting personality would put me off.”

“Disgusting personalities never stopped you before…” Sunwoo lamented in a sing-songy voice. 

Kevin pressed his fingers to his temples and resisted the urge to lob the entire checkout register in Sunwoo’s general direction. He hated the fact that he could never live that down. His unresolved, unexplainable, unrequited infatuation for a boy who seemed to think they were mortal enemies. It was deep, the stinging gash that those feelings had driven into his chest. The scalding burns that he wore as a result of such unpleasant desires.

Perhaps that was why he’d been so affected by Jacob’s presence in the bar. He was anticipating the pain, the following dagger that pierced and sliced. It never came. It had instead been replaced by half-remembered glances of concern and worried expressions.

Kevin didn’t like the fact that Jacob still had such a tight hold on him. He had been certain he’d moved on, had locked away those unallowable feelings. But seeing him again did nothing to confirm his expectations. 

He had known it would be inevitable, meeting again. There was only so much city that could separate them. Kevin had just hoped he would have more time. Sunwoo watched him carefully. Clearly, Kevin’s murderous expression was enough to scare him slightly.

“Are you coming to the party?” Sunwoo finally said after a beat of silence.

Kevin hummed noncommittally, “Changmin asked if I wanted to. I’m not sure.”

“Right... You should. If you want to I mean...” Sunwoo paused and looked around the store. Trying to look at anything apart from Kevin. “You know he’ll be there right?” Sunwoo had evidently never learnt to read a room. He took Kevin’s look of distaste as confusion and decided to clarify, “Jacob, I mean.” 

Kevin frowned at the counter. “I won’t let his presence dictate where I go and where I don’t go.”

Sunwoo only hummed in response, low and clearly unconvinced.

The bell on the door rang again. Both Kevin and Sunwoo turned to see the customer that walked in. They had a familiar sharp smile and soft pink hair and watched them both curiously as they walked to the cold drinks cabinet. They were wearing a pair of large sunglasses that almost covered the top half of their face. 

They pulled out six large cans of some revolting energy drink and somehow balanced them in one hand, and grabbed three bottles of iced coffee with the other. Then they moved over to the counter and placed all of the drinks lazily in front of Kevin. 

“Just those today?” Kevin asked, using his best customer service voice.

The customer smiled and nodded, “How’re you feeling today Kevin?” Kevin looked up sharply at the use of his name, “I’m told you weren’t doing too well last night.”

Kevin peered at them for a second before realisation dawned on him, “Sangyeon!? God! Sorry, I almost didn’t recognise you with the new hair.”

“It’s alright Kev. Believe it or not that’s not the first time I’ve heard that,” Sangyeon paused and looked curiously at one of the strands of bubblegum pink that hung down to their eyebrows, “What d’you think of it, the hair?”

“It’s nice, suits you,” Kevin scanned the first of the energy drinks. He tipped his head at the can, “Are you just planning to just not sleep for four days or something?”

“Got three back to back exams starting on Tuesday, I’m studying all the way through.”

“God, that’s rough,” Kevin said, “It’s shit like that that makes me glad I dropped out.”

Sangyeon laughed as Kevin continued to scan their items, “How’s that going by the way?”

“It’s good,” Kevin said with a sigh, “I’m happy. Happier than I was at that fucking school.”

“I’ll have to come and see you play sometime.”

“Red Rabbit, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays,” Kevin recited, it was practically muscle memory of the mouth at this point.

Sangyeon smiled, “Will do,” They said as they pressed a hand to their temple in a false salute. There was an oddly filled moment of silence, the only noise was that of Sunwoo shuffling around the contents of a display, “Jacob was worried about you.”

It wasn’t meant as an accusing statement, but the careful look that Sangyeon fixed him with was meaningful and filled with nearly thirty-thousand questions. Sangyeon had known him before, they’d met during a college play. Sangyeon was a proficient cellist and they’d become acquainted through their shared distaste for most of the musical theatre students. 

Sangyeon also knew about the temperamental feelings Kevin had for Sangyeon’s own roommate. 

“Well, you can tell him that I’m fine,” Kevin paused and frowned, his forehead creased. “Could you also…” He trailed off and pushed his tongue at the inside of his bottom lip, “Could you say Thank you? To him, from me…”

Kevin watched for any sign of a reaction. But Sangyeon’s eyes still held that careful look from before. The only indication that they’d even acknowledged Kevin’s comment was a slight nod and the careful running of their tongue over their glossed bottom lip.

“Sure,” They finally said after an almost uncomfortably long time. They lifted their sunglasses and pushed them into their hair. Kevin scanned the last of the drinks and put them into a paper bag. Sangyeon handed him two scrumpled twenty dollar notes and watched as Kevin tried to flatten them and fit the notes into the register. Kevin counted out the change. Three dollars and seventeen cents. He poured the coins into Sangyeon’s outstretched hand. 

“Thank you,” Kevin said as he handed over the bag. Sangyeon said nothing but only responded with another nod. The somber tone that had fallen in the shop was almost suffocating and Kevin could feel himself struggling to breathe through all of the heaviness. 

Sangyeon turned away and began to walk out through the door. Just before they reached the door they turned back and glanced at Sunwoo who was pretending to fix another display while very obviously watching Sangyeon leave.

“See ya Sunwoo,” Sangyeon said with a wink, and then they were gone. The tiny bell above the door chimed to signal their leave. The only other sound was that of Sunwoo dropping one of the packaged paper towel rolls onto the floor in shock.

“Did you see that?!” He practically shouted at Kevin. Kevin pressed a hand to his forehead in exasperation as Sunwoo raced around the empty store screaming something that could possibly have been “ _ What the fuck _ ?!” at the top of his lungs.

Kevin dropped his head to rest on his arms above the checkout counter. It was going to be a long shift. 

_ ☾ _

Kevin walked home. The past 48 hours felt like some strange dream. He wasn’t entirely certain he’d been awake for most of what he remembered.

But Jacob’s name had been brought up too many times for Kevin to feel even remotely normal. He hadn’t even let himself think about him properly in more than 8 months, and the sudden influx of the casual use of his name and presence was becoming mildly overwhelming. 

It wasn’t that Kevin was obsessed. He never had been. It had only ever been a miniscule adolescent crush that had begun to fester when Kevin’s desire for friendship or even just recognition, went ignored. When Kevin’s entire existence went ignored. 

Kevin had never been an attention seeker, he had never minded blending in and simply just being. But such blatant denial of the fact that he was alive? That he was someone who  _ existed _ ? It had all turned that despicable infatuation sour. Kevin hated it. Practically hated himself for the fact that he was even remotely attracted to someone who had made him feel so degraded and unworthy. So useless and unimportant. 

He couldn’t even blame the guy. It wasn’t Jacob’s fault that Kevin was so completely captivated.

It was suffocating. And all consuming. Existing in the same universe as him was draining. Kevin had never even known if it was his fault. He’d often wondered if there was something that he could have done differently. Something he could have been better at, something he could do to be noticed.

It was easy to blame himself.  _ He _ was the problem. It was something he was doing. That was why Jacob ignored him. Jacob who acted as though literally everyone else was more valid than his own feelings and opinions. Jacob who cared for others before thinking of himself. 

Maybe that’s why Kevin still found himself caught up in his charms. He saw the way Jacob was so compassionate to everyone he surrounded himself with. He was so kind and giving and everything that Kevin hoped others saw him as. 

And yet…

Yet Jacob seemed to act as though Kevin didn’t exist. And so Kevin thought himself worthless. Unlovable. He spent days wondering why he was such a disgrace of a person that  _ he who loved everyone _ couldn’t bear to give him the time of day.

Kevin had responded the only way he knew how. Make it mutual. He would not be the only one in pain. He spent a larger quantity of time that he’d care to admit solely focused on making Jacob feel small. He would broadcast his achievements in hopes that Jacob would, by some small chance, acknowledge them, acknowledge  _ him _ .

He had spent months in this endless spiral, hate and anger and desire all eating away. Continually falling down an inescapable rabbit hole. A terrifying decaying collapse of self doubt and destruction. 

And Changmin had pulled him out. Forced him to push away the debris and climb back to the surface. Changmin had taken note of his silent suffering and forced him to step back and take a look at the situation from a different angle.

The air out was chilly and Kevin pulled his coat tighter around himself. His mind felt almost numb as he made his way along the footpath, it whirred with thoughts and each one sent him spinning for a few moments before he could pull himself back out. The last of the sun was nowhere to be seen and the darkening night sky stood looming over him. The streetlights shone like brilliant spotlights against the road and Kevin watched the few cars that raced past.

He kicked at a stone that lay in the middle of the path and was satisfied with the heavy metallic thudding sound it made as it found home on the side of a building. 

He remembered how worthless he’d felt back then. The days and weeks afterwards when he’d hated himself not only for how he felt towards Jacob, but the way he’d felt about himself. And even afterwards, he still felt something. Something that surpassed infatuation. He couldn’t name it. Something distracting and evidently unavailable. But he knew it had been there a long time. Festering just as long as his earlier feelings. 

Perhaps he’d never know. Recently he’d been coming to terms with that. The idea that this bone deep feeling might be permanent. That he might never stop feeling this way about Jacob. Staying away had helped. Keeping the distance had made it all the more easy to neglect. To pretend that none of this was happening.

To pretend that he was nothing more than a pianist at a disgusting bar in downtown Los Angeles. That he was struggling to pay rent with his best friend at his side. That he was a constant disappointment to his parents. That he was trying to be happy. Happy for himself. For Changmin and Sunwoo and Juyeon. 

That instead of living out someone else’s life, he was being him. He was taking what had been given to him and becoming the Kevin Moon that the world needed. And it was difficult. Some days it was so fucking hard that Kevin almost couldn’t bare it. 

But he pushed past it. Pressed it down and breathed it in like it was some sort of lethal intoxicant. Used it as a driving force. One that filled his eyes with tears and lungs with something stronger.

He had been tempted to just give in. To return home and face his parents, but he knew in all reality that that was the kind of confrontation he would not survive. He needed to be something bigger than what was expected of him if he were to ever return home.

His time at the bar had worked wonders. That easy space to just play piano for once, that being the sole expectation. The only thing that he had to consider. When he played at the bar, there was nothing else to worry about. All that mattered was the music. The way the crowd responded. How to properly add to each and everyone of their nights.

And sometimes he got it wrong. Sometimes he played something that didn’t quite fit the mood. But that was ok. Because for the first time, getting something wrong didn’t mean immediate failure like he had been conditioned to think. It simply meant a few less tips at the end of a shift.

Sometimes he didn’t feel like playing to the crowd. So he made it up. Composed things on the spot and hoped that whatever nonsense fell from his fingers was enough to keep everyone entertained. And sometimes it worked. And sometimes he got it so horrendously wrong that he almost laughed at himself. It was so easy to pretend to be something better when the people around you were pretending that they’d come to see you perform.

When he first started working there, he’d made a promise to himself that he would buy it. Buy the Red Rabbit. And the piano. And that dumb piano stool. He’d make enough to be able to run the bar the way he wanted to. Paint the outer wall a more appealing colour. He’d employ proper musicians to play. Ones who knew how to work an audience, that would let him join in every once in a while. 

Just so that he could play for a crowd. To people who would listen, even if only for listening’s sake. 

Working at the store had also helped. Sunwoo had helped. He was such an interesting person. All his tricksy character parts. The things that made him so easy to be around even when he was being difficult. The way he could so easily let things go. Emotionally and physically. 

Sunwoo had seen the worst of Kevin. Second only to Changmin when it came to Kevin’s well being. He’d seen the late night breakdowns. The ones that turned up unprovoked and unfixable. Had walked him home countless times out of fear for Kevin’s own ability to get himself there. 

But most of the time, Kevin was stable. He didn’t feel like such a failure these days. He was more than his shortcomings. Something he would have to remind his parents until the day he or they died. It was still so easy to slip back into old habits. But Kevin chose to believe that he was getting better. And that made all the difference. 

But it was this sudden resurgence of thoughts of Jacob that had sent Kevin spiralling. That strange look Jacob had fixed him with. Almost caring and compassionate. So very different and alien from anything Kevin had ever received from him.

It brought with it a wave of thoughts and feelings that Kevin had fought long and hard to keep repressed. But the easy way they reemerged was disheartening. Kevin kicked another stone. It hit a streetlamp and responded with another metallic clang. Kevin sneered at it. Curled his lip and wrinkled his nose in distaste. 

That was when he felt the first of the rain. It was light at first. Just hollow dustings of water that clung to his jacket and skin. He was still a few blocks away from his house when it really started to pour. Kevin began to run. His jacket wasn’t waterproof.

The weather forecast hadn’t predicted rain, so he hadn’t thought of bringing a rain jacket. He was regretting every decision he’d ever made very quickly though. He still had nearly two blocks to go by the time he was completely soaked through.

He slowed to a walking pace and continued his journey. With the last of the dry patches on his clothes, he succumbed to his fate and began to walk the rest of the way home. He almost laughed at himself. What a sad fucking sight. A college dropout walking home in the dark completely drenched by a rainstorm he wasn’t prepared for. 

When the car drove past, he didn’t think much of it. He’d seen plenty of them that evening. Kevin simply drew his hood a little tighter to ward off the rain. When the car slowed to a stop just in front of him, he became wary. 

The car stayed still. The headlights remained on and the windows and doors stayed shut. Kevin watched it carefully as he stepped to the far side of the pavement. He tried to look inconspicuous as he consciously avoided the car. He couldn’t help but feel as though he was about to be kidnapped. 

He neared the car and tried to refrain from pressing himself against the wall. He’d heard far too many stories of young people going missing while walking home. As he passed the stopped vehicle, he heard the car door open. With a sharp inhalation of breath, he prepared himself to run for his life.

“Kevin?” 

That stopped him in his tracks. The use of his name. That and the achingly familiar tone and voice. He turned to face the driver and was washed with an overwhelming sense of deja vu. 

“Jacob,” He said thickly, a sigh sunk into the two syllables, “We have got to stop meeting like this.”

“Like what?”

Kevin looked at him for a moment. Considered responding, but instead chose to keep his mouth shut. He tipped his head to the side, letting the heavy rain fall firmly against the side of his face. Jacob’s dry shirt was getting wet. For once, Kevin couldn’t find it in him to care.

“Why did you stop me Jacob? If you haven't noticed, it’s raining. And it’s cold and we’re both getting wet, and I’d like to get home.”

Jacob watched him with curious eyes. He almost looked confused. He pushed his tongue at the side of his mouth and seemed to hesitate for a second. 

“I… Well… Do you want a ride home? I know where you live now,” He let out an awkward laugh, trying to soften the statement, “It’s not far and it’d save you walking home in this terrible weather.”

Kevin stared at him for another moment. Trying to figure out whether this was all some elaborate ploy to get him vulnerable. But there was only generosity in Jacob’s eyes. In that moment, Kevin hated him more than he’d ever hated himself.

“I don’t need your help, Jacob. I’m not a charity case,” He tried to say firmly. But it instead came out dulled down as his teeth chattered when he spoke. It was really fucking cold.

Jacob almost seemed to startle at the comment. He frowned and seemed to mentally reboot himself, he scrunched his eyebrows together and shook his head, “No,” He said quickly, then seemed to regain a hold on himself. “No… I know you’re not. It’s just that… It’s cold out, and if you walk home, you’re going to get a cold. So just… Let me drive you home. It’s not far.”

Kevin stared at him again. Genuinely considered kicking him between the legs and making a run for it. And then he caught sight of that kind look in Jacob’s eyes. The one that seemed so genuinely concerned. And Kevin hated the way he instinctively wanted to go to him. The way he just wanted to go to  _ Jacob _ . To feel what anyone that Jacob interacted with might have felt. 

And so while he was internally kicking himself, and mentally berating himself for being weak, he opened his mouth and said in the dumbest fucking voice he’d ever heard himself use, “Yeah, ok.”

And eventually, for the second time in two days, Kevin Moon found himself sitting in the passenger seat of Jacob Bae’s secondhand, light-green, 2005 Prius. The windows weren’t fogged up this evening, despite the abysmal weather. Kevin watched Jacob out of the corner of his eye as he drove. Kevin sat upright, his back barely touching the carseat, he felt bad about getting his soaking clothes on Jacob’s car. And then he felt even worse about the fact that he felt bad.

Jacob’s hair was wet. It had gotten drenched by the rain when he’d stood outside his car trying to convince Kevin to get in it. His clothes were still fairly dry, but his shoulders and parts of his shirt were damp enough to stick to his skin. 

The streetlights shone in through the car and illuminated Jacob’s face. He gnawed at his lip as he drove and cracked his knuckles where they were rested against the steering wheel. He didn’t look at Kevin for the entire journey. 

They pulled up at Kevin’s flat, and Kevin sat awkwardly in his seat for a moment too long. 

“Thank you,” He said as he unbuckled his seatbelt. He kept his eyes focused on his hands, “Sangyeon came in the store earlier, and they said you were worried about me after last night. I just… I just wanted to say thank you. I remember being kind of an asshole, and I’m really sorry about that. Thank you for tonight as well… You shouldn’t… You shouldn’t feel pressured to look after me…”

“Oh...” Jacob looked a little spooked, a lot like a deer in the headlights, “It’s no problem. Honestly.”

Kevin nodded, a single dip of his head, “Well. Thanks anyway.”

He pulled the door open and let himself out. The rain had calmed down slightly, but it was nowhere near stopping. He ran to the front door and turned just in time to see Jacob wave as he pulled away. Kevin found himself instinctively lifting a hand in reply. 

He couldn’t be certain, and it might have been nothing more than wishful thinking, but he thought he saw Jacob smile a little harder at that.


	3. Act 3

Changmin laughed at him before anything else. Laughed at how miserable he looked. The term ‘drowned rat’ was thrown around a lot. He’d been watching some TV show about murdering people or getting murdered or something when Kevin had come home, soaking wet. 

He had laughed while he brought out towels and pushed Kevin towards the shower. He’d laughed again when Kevin came out of the bathroom, making a comment about how this was “worse than before”.

But Changmin had seen Jacob’s car. And so he likely knew the internal turmoil that Kevin was going through at that moment. And so while he laughed, Kevin knew it was only a desperate attempt to distract him from his incapacitating emotions. 

“I thanked him,” Kevin clarified, after making a hot cup of coffee and sitting down beside Changmin on the couch. Changmin’s show was still playing on the TV. And Changmin was still facing it, but Kevin knew he had his full attention. “I saw Sangyeon in the shop and asked them to thank Jacob for me,” Changmin’s eyes slid to the side to watch him carefully at that. “But then I saw him this evening, and it seemed... Fitting to do it in person.”

Changmin’s eyes slid back to the TV. He was watching the show with subtitles on. Someone on screen was being burnt alive. The graphics were awful and completely unrealistic, but the enraptured expression on Changmin’s face showed that he was more attached to the show than he would likely let on. 

“I’m proud of you,” He said as the subtitles on screen read **[incomprehensible screaming]** . Kevin fought the laugh that bubbled up in his throat. Changmin nudged him gently with his elbow and Kevin folded over and curled into him. Kevin pressed his face into Changmin’s shoulder and tried his hardest not to burst into tears. 

Changmin rubbed a comforting hand through his hair. “It’s ok,” He said in a low voice, pressing his mouth into the top of Kevin’s head as he spoke. “I know it’s not easy, but you’re doing really great.”

Kevin sniffed, his eyes felt hot and scratchy, “I’m not, Min. I’m not. I can’t stop fucking thinking about him. I don’t even know how to be a person around him.  _ Two years, _ Min. Two years and he couldn’t give me the time of day, didn’t even know my damn name. And now he’s fucking everywhere. And offering to drive me home. Why am I so fucking attached?” He was properly crying now, body shaking sobs that escaped every few syllables. “I just don’t know. I don’t know Min. I don’t…” His voice cut off with a choking sob.

Changmin only pulled him closer. Held him tighter to his chest. Pressed his mouth and nose into the hair at the top of his head and whispered small comforts. Changmin’s TV show played on in the background, the scenes depicted on the screen flashed against the walls of the dark room, but neither of them paid it any attention. 

Changmin didn’t stop running his fingers through Kevin’s hair. Even when he’d soaked a patch through his t-shirt with his tears. Even when his breathing became heavy and the soul-wrenching sobs faded away into quiet crying. He only stopped when he too fell asleep. And that’s where they lay, clung to each other on the tiny couch of their flat. 

As the world went on around them, and life moved forwards. Kevin and Changmin held onto their little piece of time that surrounded their flat. The soft kind of comfort that they shared. 

_ ☾ _

Sunday meant another night at the Rabbit. Kevin left for the bar twenty minutes before his shift was due to start. He walked through the streets, he knew the way by heart. Could map out the exact directions in his mind. And yet, he always got the strangest feeling that he was going the wrong way. 

He was of course, always correct and often always headed in the right direction, but the feeling was unsettling and weighed heavy in his stomach. It hovered over his head until he could finally see the familiar front wall of the Rabbit. Its stark density against the rest of the buildings in the area was discomfiting, and yet somehow reassuring… In a way.

Juyeon stood behind the bar, as always. He smirked when Kevin walked in the front door. And finished drying the glass he was holding in favour of leaning menacingly across the bar. 

“Feeling alright after Thursday Kev? Got up to anything after you left?”

“Fine Ju, I’m fine,” Kevin sighed as he watched the way Juyeon draped himself over the bar, “Have you been drinking?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know…” Juyeon said with a jarring laugh. Kevin was fairly sure that the entire situation was entirely illegal on at least three different fronts. But at that moment, it was no longer his problem. Kevin had people to please and a piano to play. Two things he was apparently quite good at… According to Changmin at least. 

There were some patrons already seated around the piano. Most were nursing large glasses in varying colours of liquid and a couple already looked reasonably drunk. He greeted those sitting closest and took his seat at the stool. 

He cracked his knuckles gently in his lap and stretched his back out, reaching his arms high above his head and leaning backwards slightly. 

He held his hands above the piano for a moment, considering, feeling, watching. Freestyle, he decided, for now. He pressed a key with the index finger of his right hand, let the sound ring and held his foot onto the damper pedal. With his left hand he met the note with an accompanying melody. He leaned into the sound, breathed it in and held it deep within his lungs. When he breathed out, he knew where to take the sound. 

It was a somber tune that swelled and pressed into the hearts of those who listened. It was a song that made you feel  _ something _ . He was getting quite good at those. While it wasn’t quite how most would begin a Sunday night, he knew it was what the room needed. Often he was unsure, but right now, Kevin had never been more certain of anything in his life. 

As he brought the song to a close he heard the door open. The patrons erupted into their ever supportive applause. An elderly man held his handkerchief to his eye and dabbed gently as he beamed a watery smile at Kevin. 

Kevin glanced up to see who’d walked in and immediately wished he hadn’t. Jacob Bae stood at the bar. He was chatting with Juyeon as he fixed him a drink, something coloured and tropical. Kevin fought the urge to roll his eyes. 

He was too busy having a crisis over what Jacob’s presence meant. He was alone. And he knew that this was where Kevin worked. This was not an accident. It only left the question. What was he doing there?

Kevin turned back to the piano and stared at his hands for a moment. Another song, but the mood had changed, something had shifted during the time it had taken him to switch over. He pressed his thumbs together and thought for a moment. 

He glanced up at the bar again, Jacob had his drink now and turned just in time to see Kevin staring. Kevin met his gaze and did not avert his eyes. Jacob stared back for a moment, but eventually turned away to find a seat. The one he chose was not close to the piano, but it was close enough that Kevin could see every shift in his expression.

That was when Kevin had an idea. He thought of a song he’d been working on, half finished and barely constructed. But tonight was evidently a night for improvisation. He had no clue whether the crowd would like it, but he had to give it a try. He laid his hands on the keys. It sounded sharp and just slightly wrong. He stared at his fingers, not daring to look up as he began. 

The song was beautiful. It said everything he meant for it to say but it hid nothing. The stops and pauses broke the song into beautiful pieces that were easy to digest, but the content was rich in flavour and almost bitter. Kevin’s hands shook as he performed. He met the soft sound of the old instrument with lyrics that were only half thought out. Strings of thoughts that had played on his mind for months, weeks, days.

At one point he looked up, he met eyes with Jacob once more. He hoped that his expression conveyed everything he meant for it to,  _ This is for you, Jacob. Everything I never had the chance to say. _ Jacob’s expression was dull, focused intently on Kevin’s hands instead, his drink sat mostly untouched on the table beside him.

Kevin kept playing. It was silent in the bar. He looked up once to see Juyeon watching, eyes completely sober and attentive. He was listening. They all were. But he hoped only Jacob knew it was for him. Kevin brought the song to its fatal end. The applause that he received matched that which he had gotten on Thursday. 

But he had no time to pay attention to that. Jacob had stood up at the end, silently broken into tears, and ran out the front door. 

Kevin stood and watched the door swing shut with a heavy and dull sounding thud. The seeming finality of it all startled him. Juyeon glanced over in his direction. Nodded his head and turned to the corner where the iPod was. He pressed play as Kevin weaved through the tables. Patrons stared after him, but he didn’t turn to meet their questioning gazes. It was easy enough to get out. The hard part was finding Jacob. 

Kevin stood on the footpath in front of The Red Rabbit for a moment, glancing left and right looking for any sign of him. Jacob was nowhere to be seen.

Kevin turned left. He knew there was a smaller alleyway that threaded behind the bar a few metres away from the door. It was his best shot. He made his way over to the slightly darkened opening and peered into the passageway.

His search was stopped by the figure that was hunched over himself, sobbing uncontrollably. Palms rubbing desperately at the steady flow of tears, arms wrapping ever tighter around himself. The shuddering movement of his shoulders felt all too familiar and Kevin found himself stepping closer and sinking to his knees. He gathered Jacob carefully into his arms and pulled him closer. He left room for Jacob to pull away, but the way he folded himself into Kevin gave him enough admission.

He thought of Changmin and pressed his fingers into the soft hair at the base of Jacob’s head. He threaded his fingers through and whispered useless condolences.

“It’s ok, you’re ok,” His mouth was so close to Jacob’s ear. But Kevin refused to think about that. He thought only of how vulnerable Jacob was in this moment. How raw and emotive his expression had been as he’d stood at the end of Kevin’s piece. He only thought of the way he’d spent so many nights in such a similar condition, cradled in Changmin’s arms. 

Some nights in an unreasonably similar condition  _ because _ of the person he now held in his arms. Jacob pressed his face into Kevin’s shoulder. Kevin could feel his shirt collecting tears, felt the way they clung to his skin through the fabric. He fought back his own wave of emotions as Jacob wrapped a careful arm around Kevin. Pulling him closer.

That was when Kevin heard it. Barely above a whisper, but Jacob repeated it over and over. Like the mantra of a battalion. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.” Again and again. Jacob pressed his nose into Kevin’s shoulder. Held him tightly as he whispered against his clothes. Kevin felt strange. The moment felt oddly intimate and Kevin almost felt as though he were intruding. Being present in a time and place that was not his own. But Kevin didn’t let go, he simply kept his arms wrapped around Jacob as he cried. Cried until his eyes were red raw and his lungs were thick from sobbing shudders. 

Kevin pretended that his own eyes were not damp and sat perfectly still as Jacob calmed down. His breaths came heavy and strained. They shook his body as he took air in. His hand was fisted in the back of Kevin’s shirt, holding him close. Kevin became aware of the fact that they were sitting on the floor. The dirty concrete of some musty backstreet alleyway.

“Is your car here? Can I take you home?” He asked gently, running a careful hand through Jacob’s hair again.

Jacob nodded, he still seemed reluctant to let go. Kevin took his hand and pushed himself up first, then dragged Jacob up beside him. Jacob seemed to snap back to his usual self and laughed mirthlessly at himself. “I’m sorry,” He said again, more certain this time. “You shouldn’t have had to see that.” 

He slid his thumb under his left eye and caught the last of the tears that were resting there. He stared at the little pool that sat in the centre of his thumb. His other hand was still enclosed in Kevin’s, and he seemed to be making no effort to remove it, so Kevin didn’t let go. Simply waited for the real Jacob to resurface. 

“Right, my car,” He finally said, he shook his head slightly, as though trying to clear away disruptive thoughts. He started forwards, then seemed to remember their linked hands, he glanced down at them, then up at Kevin. He seemed to search for something in Kevin’s face. His eyes flickered and turned again. 

“It’s this way.” He said as he pulled Kevin along behind him. Kevin — for the third time in as many days — felt another surge of deja vu as he spied the car parked on the side of the road. Jacob moved to go to the drivers side. But Kevin stopped him with their joined hands. 

“You’re not driving,” He announced, stern, “Give me your keys.”

Jacob had the audacity to look offended, “I can drive.”

“Not after that performance,” Kevin looked him dead in the eyes, eyes that were still red and watery. “Give me your keys.” 

His tone made it clear that he didn’t intend to repeat himself. Jacob stared at him for a moment longer before fishing them in his pocket. He handed the keys over and detangled himself from Kevin’s hand. 

Kevin opened his door and sunk into the driver’s seat. He rested his hands against the steering wheel as Jacob opened his own door and dropped in. 

“You gonna tell me your address?” Kevin said as he glanced at Jacob out of the corner of his eye. 

“Can we not… Could you take me anywhere else? I don’t want to go home like this.” 

Kevin could have said no. He had a million reasons to. His shift was going unfilled. It wouldn’t really be an issue, if he was being honest, but it still felt like letting down those who had come for a performance. But one look at Jacob’s pleading expression made him concede in an instant.

“Ok,” He said, fighting the urge to bite off his own tongue as he said it, “You got anywhere in mind?”

Jacob frowned, looked at the knobs on the dashboard, “The highway.” 

“What?” Kevin asked, only slightly confused. 

“Could we go to the highway? I just want to drive,” He paused, “Or you to drive… I just want to go fast.  _ Feel the speed. _ ”

“Jacob, it’s seven thirty two on a Sunday night. Is there really nowhere else you want to go?”

“I’ll fucking drive if you won’t Kevin. Are you going to go or not?” Jacob snapped, his eyes weren’t harsh like Kevin had expected them to be. They almost looked desperate. 

Kevin sighed, rested his head against the backs of his hands and breathed out a steady breath. He didn’t say anything, simply nodded and turned the key in the ignition. He saw the tiny smile that crept onto Jacob’s face as he took off. It took everything in him to refrain from matching it.

He pressed his foot hard against the accelerator and gritted his teeth as he wove through the city to the highway entrance. Jacob stared out the window. His gaze was fixed on the horizon, hundreds of flickering lights that shone like stars.

After a moment, Kevin reached out a cautious hand and flicked the button on the radio. The beginning of a smooth saxophone solo played over the crackly speakers. Jacob’s eyes darted to the radio, then to Kevin. 

It seemed almost as though he were trying to gauge a reaction. After a second, he began to hum along. He had a nice voice. Nothing particularly special, but soft and low, the kind you could fall asleep to. No wonder he always got the lead roles. He matched the solo with perfect harmonies. 

Kevin’s mind drifted as he listened to Jacob sing. He thought of the shift he was missing to be here. Thought of the possible negative outcomes that could possibly have on his career. He stopped himself short. Juyeon would have it covered. It was going to be fine.

“Jazz?” Kevin said instead, pulling himself back from the suffocating mess that was his mind. He pressed harder on the accelerator as he swept past a car.

Jacob’s eyes became hard and dark. His mouth curled into a thick defensive line. “Yeah,” He said quickly, “I like it.” He tucked his chin into his shoulder and turned away from Kevin ever so slightly. Pressed his body closer to the door. 

Kevin couldn’t explain it, but he still felt that same unquestionable desire to protect Jacob. He reached out a tender hand. “No… I didn’t mean…” 

He paused, a strange silence fell over them, sunk into the worn material of the seats. Kevin was beginning to feel that this had been a bad decision. He contemplated turning back and rejoining his shift. Only an hour had passed, no one would have noticed he was gone. 

Except Juyeon. And all the regulars. And his boss. But that would only be if he came to do an inspection. 

_ God _ , he thought, _ If you exist, Please don’t let him come for a fucking inspection _ .

He refocused on the road. On the song that played over the radio. The piano layered underneath. “I just meant that it’s nice. And that I didn’t think you’d... Be the kind of guy to listen to it.”

“Right, because you know everything about me,” Jacob said under his breath, barely a whisper. Kevin pretended that stinging remark didn’t hurt nearly as much as it did and instead clenched his fists on the steering wheel a little tighter. 

Kevin almost found it hard to believe that this was the same guy he’d found in the alleyway. But the red marks around his eyes were still vibrant and swollen. And the corners were still wet where tears clung to his lashes.

Kevin kept one hand wrapped around the steering wheel and rested the other in his lap. He leaned back into the car seat and tipped his head back against the headrest. The traffic was, for the most part, fairly slow. The cars in front of them piled up every few moments and they’d be forced to stop and wait for painstakingly long seconds.

Jacob refused to speak to him, but anxiously picked at the threads on his jeans for the entire time.

“You come up with somewhere you want to go?” Kevin said finally. He’d decided that if he was going to be risking his job, he might as well know where he was going. Jacob half-startled, and when he turned to face Kevin again, the look in his eyes almost indicated that he had forgotten that Kevin was in the car to begin with.

He blinked slowly and breathed in a heavy breath. “Can we go up the hill?” 

Kevin glanced over at him, “The hill?”

“Yeah,” Jacob said, and turned to face the window again. “I just want to see the sun go down.”

“Right,” Kevin said, “The sunset… ”

The sky was already beginning to turn the murky colour it often does before the sun sinks below the horizon. Kevin sighed as he turned the car. The incessant clicking of the indicator stopped just as it was beginning to piss him off. Jacob pressed his head against the window and Kevin pretended not to notice. After that he kept his mouth shut and his eyes on the road.

_ ☾ _

They were sitting on the roof of Jacob’s car when it started to rain. It was just the faintest splatter at first and Kevin only noticed when a raindrop landed squarely on his nose.

“It’s raining,” He noted plainly. Jacob didn’t respond, only watched the horizon for the last of the reddening sky. Kevin nudged him softly in the side. 

“Can we just stay for five more minutes?” Jacob’s eyes never left their target on the horizon. Kevin moved to the side off the roof but was stopped by Jacob’s hand locking firmly around his elbow. 

“Jacob Bae,” Kevin said, glaring at the hand on his arm, “We have about 15 seconds before the clouds open up and we get soaked. I’d appreciate it if you’d let me get in the car.”

“My car,” Jacob pointed out, as if that meant something, his grip tightened on Kevin’s bicep, “Just another minute.”

“I refuse to get soaked because of some odd fascination with the sunset you seem to have.”

Jacob slid off his jacket and passed it over, “Look,” he said, flicking a finger in the direction he was religiously watching, “It’s almost gone, just give me another minute.”

Kevin sighed heavily and pulled the jacket over his head. As predicted, it began to rain. Heavy and thick and nearly drowning. It washed away any tension that had remained from the car ride, from the bar.

Jacob did not flinch, even as clouds on the horizon began to surround the last flickering rays of the sun, he refused to move.

Kevin procured another of his infamous sighs and shifted the jacket so it was covering both of them. He had to lean into Jacob’s shoulder slightly to keep the two of them dry, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. 

“Why do you hate me?” Jacob said suddenly after a moment of silence, his eyes stayed set on the horizon. Kevin’s head snapped towards him. 

“Me? Hate you?” Kevin almost laughed, he pulled away from Jacob slightly, but not enough that the jacket wasn’t covering them both. 

Jacob watched him carefully as he shifted, his eyebrows creased in a frown, “I just thought, after all those years at school… You know? We weren’t exactly...  _ friends _ .”

Kevin did laugh at that, short, sharp, bitingly scathe. “Oh, I’m aware Jacob. I doubt you even knew my name until I left.”

Jacob’s frown deepened, “I did too. We had Chemistry together. You sat in the last row and always wore those dumb sweaters.”

That last comment surprised him for some reason, but Kevin snorted, “Right,” He said simply, avoiding any turbulent thoughts that might choose to arise. A dense silence fell around them.

As the rain fell around them, and the sun at last sunk below the clouds, Jacob opened his mouth and said softly, “Imagine. If it were anyone else up here, with this view, they’d be falling in love.” 

It was such an unexpected comment that Kevin’s mouth dropped half-open and he had to sit for a moment to process the words that had just left Jacob’s mouth. All he could conjure in response was a simple, “But it’s just us.” 

Jacob tipped his face so that he was turned towards Kevin, who hadn't quite realised just how close they were sitting. “Yeah,” Jacob said in a whisper, “Just us.”

Kevin could feel Jacob’s breath dust over his lips. The overwhelming closeness felt oddly comforting and Kevin felt no urge to pull away. Whatever this was, Kevin decided that he would not be the one to put a stop to it.

Jacob edged closer. A tiny movement that appeared grandiose given their proximity. His breath twisted in clouds between them, and Kevin realised that he hadn’t breathed properly since he’d last spoke. He inhaled as carefully as he could, eyes flicking between Jacob’s parted lips and his searching eyes.

Jacob watched him, he inched closer again and seemed to wait for Kevin to pull away, for Kevin to say anything, to push him away. Rebuild whatever walls were supposed to exist between them.

“Is this…” Jacob trailed off, the weight of his half finished sentence hung over them like the jacket that covered their heads.

It was getting dark. The last of the light had disappeared beneath the cloudy horizon, and any false pretences fell away under the strange cover of the lone street lamplight.

Their noses were millimeters apart now. Kevin felt as though he couldn’t have moved even if he wanted to. Their shared breath mixed in the darkening air between them, the rain unrelenting above their heads.

Jacob still hesitated, as though he were waiting for Kevin to shove him away. 

“ _ Do it _ ,” Kevin found himself wanting to say, “ _ Just fucking kiss me _ .”

And yet when he said nothing, something along those lines must have at least reflected in Kevin’s eyes, because after a momentary glance, Jacob suddenly surged forward. 

And it would have ended there, whatever temperamental thing it was between them, had the hand that propped him up against the roof of the car not slipped against the rain-soaked metal. Jacob lost his balance and almost fell to the ground. The muddy dirt patch on the side of the hillside road that had acted as their carpark. 

Jacob’s jacket caught on his shirt as he slipped, and was pulled from its spot of cover. The rain had died down a little, but it was still falling rather heavily. Kevin caught him at the last second, encircled Jacob’s elbow with his own hand, almost mimicking Jacob’s action from earlier.

He pulled Jacob back up into an awkward sideways sort of sitting position. Jacob wiped his hands against his pants. There was an eerie sort of disappointment reflected in his eyes. But the moment had passed, and Jacob refused to meet his gaze.

“Let’s get you home,” He said, shrugging his soaked jacket back on. He froze with one sleeve on and turned to face Kevin with wide eyes, “ _ Shit, _ ” Kevin frowned at him, “The bar… You’re supposed to be playing.”

Kevin shrugged, “I was supposed to be playing all evening,” This evidently did nothing to ease Jacob’s growing anxiety, “But Juyeon’s covering for me. It’s fine, they won’t notice.”

“I still feel bad…” Jacob said as he slid ungracefully off the roof. He held out a hand in Kevin’s general direction that Kevin recognised too late as an offer of help. “It’s my fault,” Jacob pushed his outstretched hand into the back pocket of his jeans, easily hiding a mildly embarrassed flush.

“It’s fine, Jacob,” He said as he leant against the side of the car. It was wet and soaked through the side of his t-shirt, “I’ll just stay home with Changmin. He won’t care, no one will know.”

“ _ I _ will know,” Jacob said stubbornly, stepping around to the drivers side of his car.

“And I promise  _ you _ , it’s not a big deal,” Kevin knew it  _ was, _ in fact, a bigger deal than he was letting on, but it had seemed like a good decision at the time, when  _ this _ Jacob was missing in action. When whatever version of Jacob had arisen in the bar had needed someone to just let him be. “Just drive me home and we can call it even.”

Jacob opened the door and sunk into the driver’s seat. He rested his hands firmly against the steering wheel and huffed out a sorry excuse for a sigh. His hair was wet, and stuck messily to his forehead. Kevin fought some strange urge from within that told him to brush them away.

He dropped into the passenger’s seat, and when Jacob started the car, he reached over and turned the air conditioning all the way up. Jacob did not stop him and he sat quietly and tried not to visibly shiver. 

“Strange that we keep running into each other,” Jacob said almost as if he’d forgotten Kevin was listening. 

“It is strange,” Kevin agreed, keeping his eyes focused on the road.

“Maybe it means something,” Jacob said again, with that far off look in his eyes.

Kevin straightened slightly at that, “Yeah,” He said, “Maybe.”

As they rolled through the emptying streets, Kevin couldn’t help but find himself hoping for a second chance. 

_ ☾ _

“I tried to kiss him!” Jacob yelled as he stepped into their shared dorm room. “What the fuck was I thinking?”

Sangyeon watched as Jacob began to pace back and forth. “Well that’s a new development… I think? This  _ is  _ Kevin we’re talking about? Right?” Jacob nodded but would not meet Sangyeon’s eyes, “How did he respond?”

Jacob stopped his frantic pacing and stared at the ground, “He… He didn’t pull away. Or tell me I was crazy. I just accidentally made a fool of myself by nearly falling off the roof of my car.”

“See?” Sangyeon said, “Which I suppose we can assume means that he wouldn’t actually mind kissing you.”

“Woah,” Jacob said, holding up both hands, “I think that’s jumping a bit far ahead.”

“I suppose that’s fair… But what about you?”

“Me?” Jacob asked.

“Yeah, you dumbass. How do you feel about  _ him _ ?”

Jacob paled, and he felt his mask of indifference slip once more. This was happening far too often lately for his liking. 

“I don’t… I mean, when I’m around him, my heart goes really fast. And I can’t ever seem to stop staring at him. I wouldn’t mind kissing him…” 

He trailed off and Sangyeon watched his gradual descent into panic with a smirk on their face. 

“So what are you gonna do about it, Lover Boy?”


	4. Act 4

When Kevin walked into the kitchen the evening of the party, he felt mildly under dressed. 

Changmin stood leant against the bench. He held his phone loosely in one hand and idly flicked through whatever social media app he was currently immersed in. 

He glanced up when Kevin walked in and scanned his outfit up and down with a predatory gaze.

“That’s what you’re wearing?” Changmin said as he wrinkled his nose slightly. 

Kevin had a thousand different comments on the tip of his tongue, but instead decided to go with, “I didn’t realise it was  _ that  _ kind of party.”

His own sweater and light washed jeans looked boring next to Changmin’s ensemble. Changmin grinned, darkly lined eyes curling at the comment. 

Changmin was wearing fishnets. He had layered them with a pair of ripped denim shorts and a black cropped t-shirt. His eye makeup was bold and dramatic and he had painted his fingernails black to match his outfit. It had been a long time since Kevin had seen Changmin dressed like that and Kevin wondered about what that would mean for the party. 

“It’s always  _ that _ kind of party.” Changmin said quickly, eyeing the embroidered snail that sat on the right side of Kevin’s sweater, “Are you really wearing that?” He asked again.

“Who are you trying to impress this time?” Kevin asked, expertly dodging the question.

Changmin’s eyes flashed with something, but he glanced at Kevin and smirked, “You’ll see,” Kevin was used to such cryptic answers. But Changmin did not stop there, “You can’t tell me you’re wearing that. You look like an old man.”

“It’s comfortable,” Kevin argued and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “And I don’t like to make general practice of dressing like a whore.”

Changmin faked a gasp and pressed a hand to his chest, “This,” He gestured to his attire, “Is called fashion, something  _ you _ , Kevin Moon, are very clearly lacking.”

“My outfit is just fine,  _ thank you, _ ” Kevin snorted and said unconvincingly as he pulled at the beige coloured sleeves of his sweater.

Changmin cocked his head, his eyes flickered over the sweater once more. “The jeans are fine, but I refuse to leave the house with you if you’re going to wear that disgusting sweater.”

Kevin wondered if he’d already been drinking. The empty bottle of Gin (that had definitely not been by the sink that morning) gave some indication of just how much Changmin had already drank. Kevin glared at him. “What are you going to do? I’m not leaving shirtless.”

Changmin grabbed his hand, “Oh, no,” He said as he pulled Kevin out of the room. Kevin felt only mildly afraid. He should have known better than to ask. “I have a much better idea.” 

_ ☾ _

And so that was how, thirty minutes later, Kevin found himself standing in front of Changmin’s floor length mirror dressed in a matching crop top and boots. Changmin had at first forcefully thrown a pair of stiletto heels at him, but Kevin had (not-so) politely declined and only yielded when the boots were presented as a second option. 

Changmin was busy trying to convince him that eyeliner would compliment the shirt, while Kevin was covering his face clumsily with both hands. 

“It will make your eyes pop!” Changmin yelled, grabbing at Kevin’s hands.

“I’ll make your eyes pop if you’re not careful,” Kevin snapped, yanking his hands out of reach, but leaving his face defenseless.

Changmin stopped short in front of him and flicked Kevin in the forehead with one hand before crossing his arms across his chest. “Well, you have a massive zit on your forehead,” He frowned and said unkindly, “At least let me cover that up for you.”

Kevin knew that there was in fact, no zit (he’d checked when he got ready) and that this was all just a ploy for Changmin to get his way. But he also knew that arguing any further would, in the end, be useless. He sighed and dropped his shoulders, “Fine,” He said glaring at the floor.

Changmin’s face lit up and he grabbed Kevin by the shoulders as he forced him towards the bathroom. Kevin took a seat on the closed lid of the toilet as Changmin opened and closed each of the drawers under the basin. He pulled out various tubes and containers and set each item on the surface around the sink.

Kevin tried his best not to roll his eyes at the sheer amount of product that Changmin was revealing. The different bottles and boxes kept coming until most of one side of the counter was covered. 

Changmin picked up a bottle of something suspicious looking and set to work. Taking out brushes and tubes as he went. Kevin was turned away from the mirror so he couldn’t quite see what kind of war was taking place on his face. 

“I looked fine beforehand. Is this really necessary?” He whined, but Changmin hushed him and told him to shut his eyes. 

A few minutes later Changmin was finished. He tilted Kevin’s head from side to side and admired his work. 

“Not my best, but my  _ client _ was being rather difficult,” He glared at Kevin before letting him stand and walk to the mirror.

Kevin had to admit, if nothing else, Changmin had a talent for makeup. A background in dance and performing probably did nothing but help this skill. Kevin peered at his reflection. He almost didn’t recognise himself.

Changmin had, as always, done an amazing job. Kevin would never say it out loud, but the eyeliner really did make his eyes stand out. There was some weird glittery thing around the corners of his eyes and in all honesty, he didn’t hate it.

Changmin appeared behind him in the mirror and watched his reaction. “You looked fine beforehand. I just think you look better like this.”

Kevin snorted and pressed his face closer to the mirror, “I really hate you sometimes.”

“No, you don’t,” Changmin said as he began to put away the products. “You aren’t allowed to,” He called over his shoulder as he left the room.

Kevin rolled his eyes dramatically and turned to stare at his reflection once more. He’d never really been a vain person, but it had been years since he’d felt like he actually looked  _ good.  _ The shirt was a bold choice, and Kevin was unsure whether he had the character to pull it off, but Changmin wandered back into the bathroom with a leather jacket clutched between his hands. 

“Do you actually hate it?” He said, a shaky tone had crept its way into his voice and Kevin realised that he was genuinely concerned about Kevin’s opinion. 

“Of course not,” Kevin said and moved forwards to pull Changmin into a tight hug, “I look fantastic. I’m not nearly confident enough to pull it off, but I’ll fucking try.”

“I brought a jacket for you,” Changmin said and held it out in front of Kevin, “You know, in case the shirt was too much.”

Kevin took it and shrugged it on gratefully. He smiled, “Thank you, I really do like this. The whole ensemble. It’s different, but I’ll try for tonight.”

Changmin beamed at him, “That’s what we like to hear!” He punched a fist in the air. He turned on his heel with the biggest smile on his face, “I’ll meet you out front.”

“Are you in any state to drive?” Kevin asked quickly, remembering the empty gin bottle he’d seen earlier. 

“I have had a total of one shot, Mr. Moon, I am perfectly capable of getting behind that wheel,” Changmin called as he moved down the hallway, and Kevin had no choice but to believe him.

_ ☾ _

Changmin had a nice car. Kevin would be lying if he said he wasn’t even a little jealous. Changmin’s parents were relatively wealthy, and didn’t seem to mind that their son was more interested in studying dance than medical practices. 

While he was expected to maintain appropriate grades, his parents had been overjoyed that he’d been enrolled into the school and had rewarded him with a secondhand silver Volkswagen GTI for his birthday two years ago. 

He parked it on the road in front of their flat and Kevin was (on occasion) allowed to borrow it when Changmin wasn’t using it. 

Changmin was sitting in the driver’s seat when Kevin got to the car. He opened the door and dropped lazily into the passenger's seat. 

“Are you drinking tonight?” Changmin asked as he turned the car on and pulled out onto the road.

“I might,” Kevin said and looked out the window, “It might help me pull off the outfit.”

Changmin snorted, “You’ll be fine, you look great,” He tapped a finger against the steering wheel, “We can probably get a ride home from someone there. Younghoon’s going, and I know he won’t drink, and he lives this way. I can bus back over tomorrow to get my car.”

“Cool,” Kevin said, and ran his fingers lazily through his hair. “Younghoon? As in Younghoon Kim?”

Changmin’s fingers tightened slightly around the steering wheel. Kevin wondered if it meant something. “He’s in my dance class, we got close a while ago.”

“Huh,” Kevin said and dropped the subject before it could move anywhere further.

They sat in silence as Changmin navigated the car through the city streets. There weren’t many people out at this time, and Kevin thought it odd to see the streetlights illuminating nothing. 

The party was already in full swing by the time they arrived. Eric met them at the door, it was his parents’ house and they had made the mistake of leaving him alone for a few days. He held a half empty bottle of some shitty beer in one hand as he invited them inside. 

“I think Sunwoo is by the dance floor,” Eric said over his shoulder as he led them to the kitchen, “He’ll be happy you both came.”

Changmin stopped beside Kevin and craned his neck at something in the distance, Eric hadn’t noticed, so he kept moving through the crowd. Kevin stopped beside Changmin. He slid his eyes across and watched Changmin carefully, the way he scanned the crowd, the mass of thriving bodies. 

“Looking for someone?” Kevin said simply, though he had to yell to be heard over the music. He did not turn to analyse Changmin’s expression, only flicked his gaze back to the party-goers, those who could somehow allow themselves to just be. To exist in a place where they could don some false mask and pretend they didn’t have lives, or responsibilities, or expectations.

Changmin only hummed slightly in response. But Kevin felt the way his shoulders tensed as he spotted whoever it was he was looking for.

“I think I’m gonna…” He trailed off and finally looked at Kevin, the embarrassed look and matching blush that was dashed across his face said it all. 

“It’s fine, I’ll be ok.” Kevin tipped his head, an indication for Changmin to get going, “Am I gonna get to meet them?”

Changmin was already gravitating towards the crowd, he paused slightly, turned his head to the side and with a smirk, called over his shoulder, “We’ll see,” then he melted into the indistinguishable mash of people that sprawled across the space. Kevin lost sight of him almost immediately.

Eric was completely gone and Kevin doubted he would return to check on him. Instead, he searched for Sunwoo. He wandered around the outside of the crowd trying to dodge anyone who might have possibly remembered him. In the end, it was Sunwoo that found him,

“Kev!” He shouted and ran forwards out of the crowd. Kevin jumped slightly at the sudden movement but stilled when he saw the half panic that was strewn across Sunwoo’s face.

“How’s it going?” Kevin asked, he was beginning to wish he’d made it to the kitchen with Eric afterall. 

“There’s a lot going. Sangyeon tried to kiss me,” Kevin’s eyes widened, “I mean I encouraged it… And I wasn’t going to say no, and they’re  _ so pretty _ , Kev,” Sunwoo was drifting off, and it became evident that he wasn’t all entirely there with him, “And I think Jaehyun was doing body shots before, which is like…  _ Woah… _ You know? But Jacob is here, and he found the karaoke machine and I think I’m gonna need a hand.”

Kevin forced out a sigh. He ran another hand through his hair, it was becoming a habit. “And of course, that’s my job. For whatever fucking reason.” He muttered sharply under his breath.

“What?” Sunwoo yelled, “It’s kind of loud, I can’t hear you.”

Kevin sighed, rolled his eyes at the ground and said instead, “For fucks sake, where is he?”

Sunwoo led him through the crowd. Forcing past slow-dancers and couples who were just grinding against each other. Kevin bit back each remark of disgust as they arose. Someone pressed a glass of something into his hand, and against his better judgement, he drank it in a single gulp. 

The ‘karaoke machine’— if you could even call it that — was a projector screen set up in one of the rooms, there was a microphone that apparently led to nowhere, and a computer haphazardly balanced on a desk. 

“Kevin Moon!” A slurring voice shouted from the makeshift stage, “Come and sing with me!”

Kevin froze at the familiar voice. He half turned on his heel away from Sunwoo and focused in the direction of the voice. Jacob was standing beside the projector, the false microphone clasped tightly in his hand. Kevin wondered how he didn’t immediately recognise him the second he entered the room.

He pushed his way past couples that were draped over each other and others demonstrating shocking displays of physical affection. Others just watched him carefully as he stepped past them, he recognised a few, and prayed they didn’t also recognise him. 

“Jacob,” He said softly when he reached the stage. Jacob’s face lit up and he reached out a hand. Kevin took it but did not return his smile. “I think I should take you home.”

Jacob frowned, but stepped away from the stage and took Kevin’s offered hand in his own, he let the false microphone fall to the floor. “Noooo,” He protested, “I’ve only had a few drinks, I’m fineeee.”

Kevin rolled his eyes internally, “Just a few? Like how many?”

Jacob thrust an open hand in his face, “Only three,” He pulled the end of the word out and shook the hand that Kevin held. 

Everything in Kevin’s head was telling him to pull away. To let go. To get out of that damn apartment and take Changmin’s car home. But whatever he’d drank on the dance floor was catching up to him. And his blood felt warm in his ears. If nothing else, he had to get away from that room.

“Not too bad,” He said, his face felt hot. His heartbeat quickened, rose up into his ears, became a steady backing track to his twisting inner turmoil. He knew that underneath the coloured lights, no one would see. That didn’t take away any of the anxiety that was burying itself firmly into his stomach. He felt bare. Exposed. 

He shouldn’t have listened to Changmin. With his stupid shirt and the makeup and all of it was just too  _ un _ -Kevin. He felt like a fraud, as though he were dressing up as some film character. 

Kevin was oversized shirts, and sweaters and his dumb second hand sneakers. It was all an act, some game to pretend he was someone he very clearly wasn’t.

He hadn’t noticed Jacob moving closer, the pounding in his ears and the constant sound of the crowd and the music and the people. He didn’t notice, not until Jacob’s mouth was pressed against his ear, “Are you ok?” He asked, voice just loud enough to be heard over the music. 

Kevin shook his head. Squeezed the hand holding his own tightly. Jacob didn’t need further direction. He surged forwards pulling Kevin carefully behind him, shoving his way through masses of people. Kevin saw Sunwoo as he left, the expression on Sunwoo’s face was pinched and he sent a questioning look in Kevin’s direction.

Kevin shook his head in the most convincing way he could manage, before he was quickly pulled away.

Jacob brought him to a balcony. Kevin wasn’t entirely sure how they’d got there. He’d lost track of his feet at some point when they had to push past a particularly large gathering. It was tiny, barely room for four people at the most.

Jacob let go of his hand when they got outside. He stepped away slightly and Kevin couldn’t help but miss the warmth, the comfort of the closeness. 

“Is this ok?” Jacob said, uncertain, as he watched Kevin with calculating eyes.

Kevin gave his best attempt at a smile and dropped to his knees. He pressed his back against the heavy metal railing against the side and breathed out a shaky breath. The icy chill of the steel behind him was sobering, and his thoughts began to reorder themselves. 

He wrapped his arms around his shoulders and took in a few sharp breaths, trying to control the shaking, stop the shuddering of his heart as it beat frantically against his chest. Jacob sat down next to him. He sat about a centimetre away, but did not reach out, did not try to touch him. He instead laid an open palm against his own leg.

Kevin glanced at it, flicked his gaze over to Jacob’s eyes and when he saw reassurance there, he tore a hand from where it was curled around his own shoulder, and snatched Jacob’s hand in his own. His shoulder pressed against Jacob’s as he moved and Jacob adjusted to accommodate the added weight. 

They stayed like that, pressed against each other. Until the shaking had stopped, and Kevin’s breaths came easily. Until the steel behind them was warm from the presence of their shared heat.

“Sorry you had to… Had to deal with that,” Kevin said, he cast his eyes towards his feet, outstretched in front of him. He couldn’t bring himself to let go of Jacob’s hand. 

Jacob frowned, “You did the same for me. It’s not a problem.”

_ Right _ , Kevin thought,  _ Just a returned favour _ .

“Thank you,” He said instead. He couldn’t meet Jacob’s eyes, not now, when he was completely sober and relying on not looking at him to maintain his sanity. 

“Do you want to leave?” 

Kevin pulled in a breath. “I don’t think either of us can drive,” Kevin said, he watched the party through the glass door that separated them.

“My dorm is, like, half a block away,” Jacob said. Kevin looked at him then, finally properly turned to face him. “We could walk.”

Kevin considered, and spent far too much time looking intently at Jacob’s face. Jacob raised an eyebrow, his eyes darted down to lock on Kevin’s mouth. Kevin turned his face away, pretended to look at the glass. 

“Yeah…” He pondered, “We could walk.”

Jacob pulled himself to his feet and extended a hand to Kevin. “It’s not far,” He said as he helped Kevin get up.

Kevin hummed, a noncommittal noise that could have gone either way. Jacob slid the glass door open and did not let go of Kevin’s hand. Instead, he let his fingers hang open, so that Kevin could pull his hand free did he feel uncomfortable. Kevin tightened his hold. 

They were nearly to the front door when Kevin remembered that he had forgotten someone. He tugged gently on their linked hands. 

“I have to tell Changmin,” He told Jacob, who nodded and scanned the room. Kevin peered at the scattered faces, everyone looked the same, same clothes, same hair. Jacob’s eyes narrowed at something in the corner.

“I think he’s a bit… Um.  _ Busy _ .” Jacob said, choosing his words carefully. Kevin turned to look in the direction Jacob was focused on. 

Changmin was sitting on the couch, his legs were draped over the knee of a taller boy with dark hair. Kevin turned away, his cheeks flushed slightly. Whatever Changmin had been trying to achieve with his ensemble that evening, had evidently been accomplished.

“Send him a text?” Jacob suggested, turning his full attention back to Kevin.

“Yeah,” Kevin said quickly, “Can we get out of here first though?”

Jacob nodded and pulled him through the door. He didn’t stop moving them forwards until they had reached the footpath. 

“Got everything?” Jacob asked, “It’s like an eight minute walk from here.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good,” Kevin said with a sigh. He pulled the cool night air into his lungs and tilted his face up. The soft breath he let out steamed and spun up into the darkness. 

Jacob set off and Kevin, who was still holding his hand tightly, was pulled along behind him. It was cold out, and Kevin pulled his jacket tighter around himself, trying to cover his exposed midriff. The bitter night air brushed against his skin and he shivered, grateful for the little warmth Jacob’s hand provided. 

He shifted closer and tried to ignore the way his teeth chattered. Jacob pulled his hand away and Kevin startled, he glanced at Jacob with wide eyes, only to see Jacob removing his own jacket. 

“No,” Kevin said firmly, “You’ll be cold.”

Jacob only shook his head with a gentle laugh as he hung the jacket over Kevin’s shoulders, and when Kevin reluctantly slid his arms through the sleeves, he pulled the front closed tightly. His hand brushed against Kevin’s fingers softly and Kevin laced his fingers through Jacob’s without a second thought. 

As they walked, Kevin swung their joined hands between them, occasionally their shoulders bumped together, or they stood on each other’s toes. Kevin hummed softly, useless notes at first, fruitless sounds that drifted into the night.

Those twisted, mellowed, until a familiar song fell from his mouth. It was the one he had played at the bar, when Jacob had left so abruptly. He wondered what it meant to Jacob. All the words he’d never said, all the promise of something he’d never thought possible.

“I like that one,” Jacob said, his voice wavered and he kept his eyes to the pavement as they walked. “It’s beautiful.”

“It’s yours,” Kevin mumbled, their shoulders bumped together again and Jacob turned his head to look at him properly.

His eyes were wide when Kevin met his gaze, “Really?” He said, rather incredulously.

Kevin nodded, “I wrote it for you,” Jacob let out a miniscule gasp. Kevin smiled, small and self satisfied. “I could only hope you’d like it.”

“You… You’re amazing,” Jacob said, his voice came out in barely a whisper. His eyes roamed over Kevin’s face, and it seemed as though he were trying to memorise every single detail. Kevin shivered, he felt bare, exposed and completely and utterly seen. Jacob was looking at him with something in his eyes he’d never let himself imagine. He felt it with a burning sensation in his chest. 

Everything felt so unlike that evening on the roof of Jacob’s car. So new and pliable like wet clay. Kevin didn’t like the uncertainty, the unknown. Jacob lifted his free hand, and moved it slowly until he was holding it beside Kevin’s cheek. Jacob’s thumb brushed against his skin.

Kevin bit back a gasp, his hand was cold, so different from the other that was still intertwined with his own. Jacob looked afraid. 

Perhaps afraid wasn’t the correct word. He looked apprehensive, as though waiting for Kevin to pull away. To rip his hand free and take off running. But Kevin would not run. He had waited long enough, he had hidden and hated and pretended for too long. 

Kevin moved forwards, barely half a step. Jacob did not move away, instead he let out a soft breath of air. His eyes flicked down, caught on Kevin’s mouth. Kevin lifted his spare hand and pressed Jacob’s against his cheek. 

“Can I kiss you?” Jacob asked, his voice was soft and he did not meet Kevin’s eyes. 

“Only if you mean it,” Kevin said, matching his tone, he ran his index finger against Jacob’s hand against his cheek. Jacob finally looked him in the eyes, his thumb pressed lightly into the soft skin under Kevin’s eye.

He moved forwards tentatively. Fractional movements with anxious breaths spaced evenly between each. Kevin leant forwards to meet him. His mouth pressed softly against Jacob’s and Kevin slid his fingers through the hair at the base of Jacob’s neck. Kevin felt himself fall, felt the way he was utterly consumed by the kiss. Everything was Jacob. His hands, his mouth, his hair, his tongue. 

Kevin felt warm, felt so entirely whole. And Jacob was pressed against him and he could barely feel the cold night air. Jacob was only wearing a t-shirt, and Kevin slid his free hand under the collar, pressed his palm flat against the chilled skin of his shoulder. Dragged his pinky finger over the pronounced edges of Jacob’s collarbone. Jacob breathed in sharply, but did not pull away, only pulled Kevin closer and swiped his thumb across Kevin’s cheek once more.

Their fingers were still linked by their sides and Kevin lifted their joined hands and pressed them against his chest. Jacob hummed, low and gentle, and pressed his forehead against Kevin’s. 

Kevin squeezed his hand that was linked with Jacob’s and moved his hand gently to rest against Jacob’s neck. He tucked his thumb behind Jacob’s ear and twirled his index finger in the soft hair at the back of his head. 

They stayed, standing in the middle of the footpath, hopelessly entwined in each other. After a while, Jacob pulled away gently and pressed his face into Kevin’s shoulder. He breathed heavily for a moment and then laughed. Short and almost breathless. Kevin froze and Jacob must have felt the subtle movement. 

“Thank you,” He said as his breath ghosted softly over the side of Kevin’s neck. “You’re… I can’t even…” He stopped himself and lifted his head so that he was facing Kevin again. Kevin shivered, the warmth from just moments ago was fading and had given way to the cool air he’d done so well to avoid. “I think I’ve wanted to do that for a while.” He laughed again, dropped his head so that his hair fell across his forehead.

Kevin lifted a hand to brush his fingers through it and felt the way Jacob’s hands shook from where theirs were connected. “Me too,” He said quietly. 

Jacob laughed again and took Kevin’s other hand in his own. Kevin shivered as another thread of chilly night air blew past them.

“How are you not freezing?” Kevin asked and nudged Jacob softly, “I’m wearing two more layers than you are and I’m practically frozen.”

“I mean, it  _ is _ a little cold,” Jacob admitted and smiled to himself.

Kevin frowned, “Why’d you give me your dumb jacket? You’ll freeze to death like this, idiot.”

“You looked cold,” Jacob shrugged, “And your hands are really warm,” Kevin nudged him again, harder this time, but he couldn’t stop the grin that spread across his face. 

“Oh,” He said, lost for anything else to say.

“We should go,” Jacob said, casting his eyes down the darkened footpath, “I have blankets and hot chocolate at the dorm.”

“Yeah, I have to say that sounds a whole lot more appealing than standing out here.” 

Kevin leant into Jacob’s shoulder as they walked. They clumsily wandered along the path, cold hands holding tight to each other. And when he hummed Jacob’s song softly under his breath, Jacob joined in.


	5. Act 5

Kevin woke up alone, and on the couch. He and Jacob had turned on a movie and Kevin had evidently fallen asleep swaddled in the thick blankets Jacob had presented when they’d arrived. Clearly, Kevin had fallen asleep long before Jacob had. The TV had been switched off, the remotes were arranged neatly on the coffee table, and Jacob was nowhere to be seen.

Kevin searched for his jacket, and fished in the pockets for his phone. He had sixteen notifications, eight missed calls from Changmin, and a multitude of worried texts. He had meant to text Changmin, and then everything had happened with Jacob, and he’d gotten… A  _ little _ distracted.

The time at the top of his phone screen told him that he had around an hour to find his way back to his flat and get changed to make it on time for his shift at the store. He sent a hurried explanation and poor excuse for an apology to Changmin and stumbled around the room, trying to put on his shoes as quickly as possible. Running wouldn’t get him there on time, but Sunwoo would be able to cover for him until he could make it.

He half ran out the front door, arm through only one sleeve of his jacket, and his shoes only half laced. But not before he scrawled a messy note on the back of a sheet of paper, and signed it with a tiny crescent moon.

**_☾_ **

Jacob found the couch empty when he finally made his way out of his bedroom. Sangyeon had yet to return and the rest of the dorm was oddly quiet for a Sunday morning.

Jacob tried not to let Kevin’s absence seem disheartening. The guy had even gone to the trouble of neatly folding the blankets he’d used and setting them in a tidy pile at the end of the sofa.

Jacob picked them up and moved to put them away, when he saw a half finished audition application turned over on the top of the coffee table. On the back was a brief note that had evidently been hurriedly scribbled by someone in quite the rush. 

_ I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to leave without saying goodbye, but I kinda fucked up and I am so late for work. _

_ Call me? Or don’t, if you don’t want to.  _

_ Thank you, for last night.  _

_ ~ _ **_☾_ **

**_☾_ **

“Oh boy, Kev, you owe me big time,” Sunwoo smirked at him as Kevin pushed the door of the store open. 

Kevin glared back at him, “As if I haven’t covered for you before. Don’t act all high and mighty like this was some big ask.”

Sunwoo faked a gasp, and pressed a hand to his forehead, “But Kevin! I had to deal with one customer, and she was so difficult and couldn’t even reach the milk she wanted. And  _ you _ haven’t even asked how my evening went.”

Kevin scoffed and rolled his eyes, “I just got here, what more do you expect from me?” Sunwoo grinned and crossed his arms in front of his chest, “And how are you not passed out or severely hungover? You were so far gone when I saw you.”

Sunwoo gasped again, and had the audacity to look offended, “I was tipsy  _ at best _ . I also stopped drinking after you left because Eric decided to get absolutely wasted and was being the worst host I’ve ever seen.”

“How gracious of you,” Kevin said, barely keeping himself from rolling his eyes.

“And while I was being a fantastic and responsible host, I was sober all by myself. Because my best friend  _ Kevin _ , decided to dip and leave me all alone. So how about you spill, because I  _ know _ you went off with Jacob. Changmin was so worried, I thought he was going to have a mental breakdown.”

Kevin grimaced, he did feel guilty about just leaving without telling Changmin. The flat had been empty when he’d gotten home, and he’d taken it as a sign that Changmin had been comfortable enough in Kevin’s disappearance to leave with someone else that evening. “I got a little overwhelmed,” Kevin admitted, “Jacob took me out for some air.”

Sunwoo wiggled his eyebrows and Kevin really just wanted to reach over and slap him. “You didn’t feel like coming back? Or were you just more comfortable where you were… Because Sangyeon said they saw you two leaving and you looked pretty inseparable.”

Seeing an opportunity to change the subject, Kevin latched on and diverted the attention to other more  _ pressing _ matters. “Speaking of Sangyeon, how are they?”

Kevin took pride in the way Sunwoo flushed, the tips of his ears went a bright shade of red, and he cast his gaze to the floor. “They’re… Fine. We hung out at the party.”

“Did you?” Kevin said, he kept his voice light, and cocked an eyebrow as he watched Sunwoo falter. “I’m sure you both had a  _ lovely _ time.”

Sunwoo threw a pen at him. It bounced off his shoulder and rolled under the chilled drinks fridge. “Leave me alone, Moon,” He said, the blush still imminent on his cheeks, “I think there’s some crates out back that need to be put on the shelves. So I think I’ll go do that now…”

“See ya, Sunwoo,” Kevin smiled, watching as he left. He took a seat behind the counter and stared off into space. Thinking of last night, a darkened footpath, a soft hand against his cheek. Soft lips pressed against his own, the chill of the night air as it swept passed. 

The bell on the door chimed, and he was snapped from his thoughts, He tried to pull himself into some presentable shaped being and turned to face the customer. He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, but Jacob Bae stepping into the store was definitely not at the top of his list.

“Hi,” He said, rather nervously.

Kevin smiled back. Then frowned slightly, “Did you see my note?” He said with a tone that matched Jacob’s. 

“Yeah, yeah I did,” Jacob said and held the wrinkled piece of paper up so Kevin could see it. “I just… Don’t actually have your number…” 

Kevin mentally smacked himself in the forehead, “Right. Of course, you don’t. Uhm. Give me your phone?”

Jacob reached into his pocket and held his phone out to Kevin. Kevin took it quickly and was just finishing putting in his details, when Sunwoo burst in through the backdoor. He was singing something horribly out of tune and stopped when he saw Jacob standing at the counter.

“Hello, Jacob,” Sunwoo stood in the doorway with a gigantic cardboard box on energy drinks in his hands. He raised an eyebrow and glanced at Kevin quickly before turning his attention back on Jacob. “Did you have a pleasant evening?”

Jacob, to his credit, only looked mildly startled by the intrusion, “It was… Nice,” He smiled at Kevin as he was handed back his phone.

Sunwoo false gagged behind Jacob’s back and blatantly ignored the death stare that Kevin sent his way, “That’s gross, if you guys are gonna be weird, Jacob’s not allowed to visit the store anymore,” Sunwoo said as he moved over to the drinks fridge.

Kevin plucked another pen from the container on the counter and tossed it in Sunwoo’s general direction. He managed to hit him square in the back of the head. Sunwoo yelped and grabbed the pen and threw it back without looking. Kevin ducked and the pen sailed over his head. 

“I’m surprised you two have any of those left if this is how you use them,” Jacob said quietly as the pen rolled under another display. 

“It’s the only way we can stand each other,” Kevin said simply.

“I love you too Moon!” Sunwoo shouted from where he was crouched on the floor, both arms reached into the fridge up to his armpits. 

Kevin rolled his eyes, “I’m not sure how I’m still sane.”

Jacob laughed, soft and almost hushed. He glanced up at the clock that sat on the wall above the counter, “Shit, I’ve gotta get going,” He reached out a hand and swiped a finger along the inside of Kevin’s wrist. 

Kevin froze at the touch and promptly stared at the exposed skin. “I guess I’ll see you then,” He mumbled, he could feel the way his ears were heating and he knew that soon enough the rest of his face would sport a brilliantly matching shade. 

“I’ll call you,” Jacob said gently. Still smiling at him, he turned away and stepped out of the store. The bell above the door chimed softly and Kevin braced for Sunwoo’s comments and teasing. 

But they didn’t come. Kevin turned to face the spot he knew Sunwoo would be sitting, all too aware of the shade of his cheeks, the blood rushing and the sheer heat of his face an all too vibrant reminder of his embarrassment.

He was met with a blank stare from Sunwoo, the most serious expression Kevin had ever seen gracing his usually aloof features. There was something calculating in his eyes that sent a shiver down Kevin’s spine.

“What is it?” Kevin asked, the heat disappeared from his cheeks almost instantly. 

Sunwoo said nothing for a moment, then pulled out a can from the open cardboard box on the ground. He cracked the top and took a long sip before turning his gaze back on Kevin. 

“Is he going to hurt you?” Sunwoo’s voice was not pressing, it didn’t convey any emotions or opinions, “Is whatever  _ that _ is going to hurt you?”

Kevin stared back, and his eyes narrowed as Sunwoo took another sip from the can. “I don’t know.”

“Are you happy with that? Not knowing?” Sunwoo watched him carefully, he lifted the can to his mouth once more, “Because I don’t think you could handle the chasm  _ that _ would leave.”

Kevin drew in a thick breath, his chest shook. Suddenly, he felt very small. “I think that I have to find that out for myself. I think not knowing would hurt more.”

Sunwoo nodded, a singular tilt of his head. He brought the can to his lips a final time and drained the rest of it in one gulp. He stood and placed the empty can on the counter and then moved over to where Kevin was standing.

Kevin watched him as he stretched out his arms and pulled Kevin into a tight embrace. “Ok,” Sunwoo held him for a moment. “Ok,” He said again and hooked his chin over Kevin’s shoulder. “I hope you know,” he paused and held Kevin back by his shoulders. “I hope that you know, I will not hesitate to beat him into a pulp if he does hurt you.”

Kevin laughed and pulled Sunwoo back in for another hug. “Thank you.”

“Anytime, Kev,” Sunwoo said and ruffled a hand through Kevin’s hair. The bell above the door chimed and they sprung apart quickly. Sunwoo practically ran back over to his spot by the fridge. 

Kevin turned and smiled awkwardly at the woman who had just walked in. When she had disappeared behind one of the shelves, he made a direct beeline for the checkout counter and scanned Sunwoo’s discarded energy drink can. He tossed some of the spare change in his pocket into the register and threw the empty can in the rubbish bin underneath the counter.

His phone buzzed. He pulled it out, expecting an angry message from Changmin.

_ Hey _ , the text read,  _ It’s Jacob _ .

Kevin smiled down at his phone and didn’t stop until he had to force the smile off his face when he had to serve the young woman.

**_☾_ **

Changmin hadn’t greeted him when Kevin had gotten home from work. He’d simply stood in the kitchen and glared as Kevin retreated to his room. Kevin got changed, taking his time to remove his work clothes and replace them with something more suitable for a shift at the bar.

Finally, when he felt that he’d given Changmin enough time to at least cool off a little, he re-emerged. Stepping out cautiously. 

“Jacob,” Changmin said, his voice was even and his expression unmoving. It was not a question. Simply a statement of fact. He was leaning against the counter top and had placed his phone down beside him so he could cross his arms in front of his chest.

“Jacob,” Kevin copied, and felt the way the corners of his mouth curled upwards involuntarily. The way his chest heated with an indescribable warmth. 

Changmin rolled his eyes, “Why didn’t you just text me? I was so, so damn worried,” He pressed his palm flat against his forehead and sighed. 

“I went to find you at the party… Before we left. But uhm… It appeared that you had some sort of Jacob of your own.”

“A Jacob…?” Changmin frowned at first, but when he caught onto what Kevin meant, he flushed the brightest shade Kevin had ever seen. “You saw… Younghoon isn’t… He’s… We’re not really…” At last he huffed out a heavy breath of air, “It’s complicated,” He concluded.

And Kevin nodded, “I get that,” He said simply.

Changmin raised his eyebrows, and despite his flustered expression, still managed to give Kevin a questioning look. “So… You and Jacob?”

“It’s… Complicated.” Kevin said, avoiding Changmin’s eyes, “But uh… He kissed me. So that’s a good sign, I guess.”

Changmin ran forwards, his blush had completely dissipated now, “He what?! Kevin, oh my god,” He grabbed onto both of Kevin’s shoulders and held tightly to them. “It was the shirt! Oh, I  _ knew _ it was a good idea.”

“It definitely was  _ not  _ the shirt _ , _ ” Kevin said with a laugh. 

Changmin snorted, “Yeah, what was I thinking. It was obviously because of your charming personality and outstanding sense of humour.”

Kevin smacked his shoulder, but there was no real emphasis behind it. Changmin pulled him in for a hug and Kevin was glad that there was no residual tension between them.

“So it wasn’t like it was a one time, drunken thing right?” Changmin said abruptly, pulling away from Kevin. The look in his eyes was completely serious as he spoke. “He meant it?  _ You _ meant it?”

“I mean, he’s been texting me… And he came to visit the store…” Kevin said, suddenly feeling a little nauseous. “So I think that’s a start… Right? I know  _ I _ meant it.”

Changmin hummed, keeping his hands wrapped firmly around Kevin’s shoulders. “As long as he’s putting in an equal amount of effort,” He said.

“I know,” Kevin said quietly, “I know.”

Changmin seemed content with that response and instead turned the subject elsewhere. “You’re playing tonight?”

Kevin nodded and pulled at the collar of his shirt. Changmin cast his eyes downwards towards his feet. “Would you want to meet Younghoon? I mean… Would it be ok if he and I came to watch you play?”

Kevin’s eyes widened slightly. “I– Yes? I think?”

Changmin smiled, squeezed his hands tighter around Kevin’s shoulders. “Yes? Fantastic! I can drive us there! And he’ll meet us at the bar…” 

“Min, you know I’ve met him before,” Kevin said gently, “It’s not that big of a deal.”

Changmin stopped his hurried rambling, “I know. But you haven’t met him as  _ Younghoon _ .” 

“You mean, as  _ yours _ ,” Kevin said simply, raising an eyebrow as Changmin became flustered once more.

“Yeah,” He said simply, refusing to meet Kevin’s eyes and so Kevin lifted one of his own hands and rested it gently on the crown of Changmin’s head. 

“Well... I’ll be pleased to meet  _ your  _ Younghoon tonight, then.”

Changmin grinned, twisting his mouth into the loveliest smile, “It sounds nice when you say it like that.”

Kevin didn’t respond and instead pulled Changmin towards him again. “I hope you know how much I love you.”

“Love you too, Kev,” Changmin said softly, and then, “What time are we leaving?”

Kevin pulled his phone from his back pocket and checked the time. “I would usually get going around five minutes from now. But if you’re driving me, you’ve got like 15 minutes to get changed.”

“Fantastic,” Changmin said, before rushing out of the kitchen and down the hallway out of Kevin’s line of sight.

Kevin laughed as he Changmin left and instead focused on pulling on a worn pair of blue converses that he kept near the door.

**_☾_ **

They met Younghoon outside. Kevin noticed the way Changmin’s face lit up when they saw him. Kevin was tempted to try to shake Younghoon’s hand, but that thought dissipated rather quickly when he realised that might make him seem like Changmin’s father. 

Kevin bid them farewell as they pushed through the door, turning to find Juyeon at the bar while the couple found themselves a table.

“Pretty boy’s here,” Juyeon said as Kevin approached. And at Kevin’s evidently confused look, he sighed and pointed over to a table in the middle of those that were clustered nearer to the piano. Younghoon and Changmin had made their way over to it and were smiling and greeting the two seated patrons as they pulled up a set of chairs for themselves. 

The head of bubblegum pink hair next to another more neutral tone gave away the identity of those seated. Jacob noticed the unexpected attention and turned his gaze towards the bar. He smiled when he noticed Kevin’s presence. Jacob lifted his hand in a miniscule wave and Kevin grinned back in response.

“He came and asked about you. Seemed really nervous about something,” Juyeon said nonchalantly, “What’s going on between the two of you?” 

Kevin paused for a moment, watching as Jacob went back to conversing with Changmin, who had evidently decided to interrogate him. “We’re… trying.”

“To be together?” Juyeon asked carefully.

Kevin nodded, the smallest fraction of acknowledgement. “Yeah,” He said evenly, “It’s all we can do… Try.”

“You’re right,” Juyeon said as he towelled off a glass, “I hope it all works out for you.”

“Yeah,” Kevin said again, “Me too.”

Juyeon twisted the towel in his hands and smacked Kevin over the shoulder with it. “Well, lover boy. You’re up. These guys are rearing for a good performance.”

Kevin pulled in a heavy breath. “Looks like I have quite the audience this evening.”

Juyeon laughed at him, “That you do my friend, that you do.”

Kevin pushed away from the bar, and made his way over to the piano. A few of the patrons smiled at him as he took his seat, and lifted the piano cover. 

He played a quick scale, stretching his fingers as they dragged up and down the keys. He finished and cracked his knuckles, surveying the crowd briefly before turning his attention back to the piano.

He felt more than saw, someone approaching slowly. And when he flicked his focus upwards, he was surprised, and yet at the same time, unsurprised to be met with Jacob Bae grinning back at him.

“Hi,” He said slowly, and Kevin noticed the way he looked almost anxious.

“You came,” Kevin said with a smile. 

“I… Yeah,” Jacob said, the tips of his ears turned slightly pink, “I hope that’s ok… Sangyeon brought it up and said we should come. And  _ I _ just wanted to see you again.”

Kevin reached a hand out and caught one of Jacob’s in his. He twisted his fingers between Jacob’s and held it tightly for a moment, gently swiping his thumb over the fleshy skin between Jacob’s index finger and thumb. “I’m glad you came.” He said. 

“Can I kiss you?” Jacob said quietly, so reminiscent of the night before.

Kevin shook his head gently, “Not in front of everyone. Come ask me afterwards. There’s something I want to show you.”

Jacob looked only mildly disappointed but tipped his head gently. Pressing a light kiss to Kevin’s hand, he stepped away returning to the table their group had secured. Younghoon was returning with a tray of drinks for the four of them. And suddenly everyone turned their attention Kevin’s way.

“Good evening everyone,” He began. This evening felt different. There was something lighter in the air and he felt as though his heart could burst through its impossible cage beneath his ribs. “I think I’ll start this evening with one of my own. I actually...” He laughed at himself, as he made himself comfortable at the piano, “Wrote this for someone in the crowd this evening. And he said he likes it,” He didn’t have to look up to be able to tell that Jacob was smiling at him, “So I’m hoping it’s good enough for all of you.”

There was a mutter of encouragement, and a muffled whoop that came from Changmin’s general direction. 

Kevin’s mouth twisted into an uncontrollable smile as he lifted his hands to rest against the keys. 

The song started slow, droning and uncertain as it usually did. Gently at first until it surged to meet the accompanying lyrics. They’d changed since he had first begun playing it. Jacob’s song was no longer solely his, it was a more hopeful blend. Kevin and Jacob. 

Navigating untested waters and even more uncertain feelings. But doing it together. 

He looked up only once during the performance of the song. Younghoon watched with his mouth slightly open. Changmin was busy pretending he wasn’t in tears. Sangyeon smiled as though they knew this was how it would. As though they had known all along.

But Jacob? 

Jacob sat against the back of his chair with his eyes firmly shut. His fingers tapped against the table, keeping immaculate time with the rhythm of the song. Kevin could have watched him simply listening for an entire evening. But he had a crowd to entertain, and so he tore his attention away, and focused instead on drawing the song to a close. 

As the rest of the crowd applauded politely, he turned his attention on those at the back of the room. Younghoon was fawning over Changmin, who was desperately trying to pretend he hadn’t been bawling his eyes out just seconds ago. Sangyeon was very indiscreetly poking Jacob in the stomach. Laughing at him when Jacob noticed Kevin’s attention and waved to him from across the crowd. 

Kevin wanted nothing more than to close the piano lid and join them. But he was not being paid to socialise. And he couldn’t afford to be caught missing another shift. And so he played on. There were a few requests. Singalongs and crowd pleasers, some softer pieces he remembered learning as a young boy.

And at last, he checked his watch only to find that he had barely 5 minutes left before he was scheduled to finish. 

“This one will have to be the last one for the evening,” There was a soft murmur among the crowd, a few of the regulars looked unsurprised but expectedly displeased, “But I’m happy to take a request…” He looked out into the audience. 

And at last there was movement at the back of the room.

Jacob Bae stood up, his cheeks were bright red and he had the largest smile on his face. And then, in the loudest voice Kevin had ever heard Jacob use, he shouted with complete seriousness, “I Ran.”

Kevin was only mildly taken aback, and tried his best to remember the song. “I Ran? As in seagulls?”

“Of course I mean the Seagulls!” Jacob called back. Which naturally sparked a flood of agreement from the rest of the customers. 

Kevin smiled as he took a seat. “I suppose I’ll do my best, but it’s been a while. I might need some help…” The customers sitting closest to the piano let out a cheer. And Kevin pressed his fingers to the keys.

He messed up a few times, almost ground the song to a grinding halt because of a few missed notes. But the all too vocal crowd was more than happy to cover up his slip ups with out of tune and noisy voices.

It was wonderful, in the most chaotic of ways, and Kevin thought he’d never seen the bar more alive. 

The song finished and the crowd roared with applause, utterly gagging for another. But Juyeon swooped in with the handy dandy iPod and overhead speakers combination to save Kevin from the uplifted patrons.

Kevin thanked those nearest to him and stood after closing the cover on the piano. He weaved through the crowd, politely dodging audience members who stood to attempt conversation with him. 

He finally made it to the table where his friends sat. Changmin stood immediately and pulled him into a hug. “You made me cry, you bastard! You didn’t tell me this was going to be upsetting,” He shouted as Kevin laughed into his embrace. 

Younghoon held out a hand when they finally pulled apart, and Kevin shook it. “I didn’t know you could play like that man! That was… Wow!”

Kevin smiled, couldn’t keep the grin off of his face. And then he turned to Jacob, who had crept up behind him while he was distracted. “Hi.”

Jacob’s eyes were shining with something whole and completing that filled Kevin up from the inside. Jacob stepped forwards, barely half a step. He reached out a hand and caught one of Kevin’s with his own. “You played the song.”

Kevin squeezed Jacob’s hand gently, “Yeah,” He said, “I did.”

“Is it alright if I kiss you now?” Jacob’s said in an almost whisper, pressing his mouth close to Kevin’s ear. And Kevin pulled him in without hesitation. 

Jacob’s mouth was warm and Kevin pressed ever closer, taking Jacob’s face in both of his hands, perfectly framing his features. Anchoring himself against an ongoing storm. Jacob’s hands found their way around Kevin’s waist, holding him tightly for a moment before Jacob dragged one tenderly up his spine to rest comfortably on Kevin’s shoulder.

Someone from their table whistled and Kevin lifted one hand from Jacob’s face to send a poorly aimed middle finger in their general direction. Kevin felt the way Jacob smiled against his mouth, the upwards curl of his lips, the way his nose pressed softly against Kevin’s own.

“Oi Kev!” Came a shout from the table, and the pair reluctantly turned to face Changmin, “Stop sucking face and get over here.”

Kevin rolled his eyes and Jacob flushed ever so slightly. And that was when Kevin realised there was a newcomer standing with their group. The stranger was standing and speaking with Sangyeon rather animatedly, but stopped quickly when they realised Kevin was approaching.

Sangyeon spoke up first, “Kevin, I’d like you to meet my friend, Hyunjoon Heo. They work with the Los Angeles Chamber Orchestra,” Kevin froze and Jacob, who had been standing behind him, immediately put out a comforting hand. 

“Hyunjoon Heo…” Kevin said, feeling rather starstruck. Hyunjoon Heo was the lead cellist for the orchestra and was incredibly well known among the classical music community. Kevin remembered watching some of their performances and wishing for an opportunity to play with musicians like them.

“Please…” Hyunjoon said quickly, sticking out a hand with a beaming smile, “Call me Hwall.”

Kevin took the hand offered to him with a shaky smile. Hyunjoon’s hands were evidently those of a cellist, strong and pliable, slender and stable, “It’s an honour to meet you,” Kevin said, doing his best to prevent his voice from quavering.

“You’re quite talented, Kevin. Have you done much classical training?” Hyunjoon watched him with curious eyes.

“A lot when I was younger,” Kevin admitted, feeling a mild blush form across his cheeks, “Though I discontinued my lessons when I started college.”

“That’s a shame,” Hyunjoon said, pausing and tapping their chin with a thoughtful finger. “I don’t suppose it would take much to get you up to speed… I take it you can read music?”

Kevin was only mildly confused, “I can… Though I think I’m a little lost.”

Hyunjoon beamed, “Of course, I believe I got a bit carried away. You see, we, meaning the orchestra, are in a bit of a predicament. Our previous pianist decided to retire and move to France with his fiance. We did have a temporary replacement, but it is our collective belief that he is… Not quite up to standard…” 

Kevin wasn’t entirely sure what all of this had to do with him, but watched intently as Hyunjoon continued. 

“What I mean to say is that we’re looking to find a pianist. Someone to permanently fulfil the role. And naturally when Sangyeon mentioned you the other day, I  _ had _ to come along,” Hyunjoon noticed the remaining confused expression that covered Kevin’s face and sighed. “What I’m trying to say, Kevin, is that I’d like to offer you an opportunity… A rare one at that. And of course you’d have to go through the audition process. But with a talent like what I just saw this evening, I don’t see how they couldn’t select you.”

Kevin practically felt the blood stop in his veins. “You mean…”

Hyunjoon smiled at him, “Kevin, I’m offering you a chance to be a part of the Chamber Orchestra.”

Kevin’s mouth dropped open. He wanted to cry, or scream, or melt into a puddle in the middle of the bar. “But… Me?”

“Yes,  _ you, _ Kevin,” Hyunjoon laughed at his expression, “I’ll get your contact details from Sangyeon, auditions will be in a few weeks. I really do hope I see you there.” 

And with that, Hyunjoon turned and left the bar, waving to Sangyeon as they weaved through the murmuring crowd.

Kevin stood. Completely unable to move, unable to form even a mildly coherent sentence. Changmin stood with a hand over his mouth, his expression almost identical to Kevin’s. “Did they just…”

Kevin stared back at him, “Did they… Did I?” And then he rounded on Sangyeon. “You brilliant bastard, why would you… Why did you tell them about me?”

Sangyeon hadn’t moved an inch from when Kevin and Jacob had returned. They now watched the entire debacle with a self satisfied smirk. They shrugged, brilliantly coloured hair dropping lazily in front of their eyes, “You have the talent. They needed a pianist. It seemed like the logical response,” They spoke as though it were the most normal concept in the world. 

Kevin stepped forwards and pulled them into a tight embrace, “Thank you,” He said quietly, and as he moved away, he realised that there were tears in his eyes. 

Sangyeon smiled, “It was really nothing, Kev, you would have done the same for me.”

“Thank you,” Kevin said again, still feeling a little overwhelmed by the surrealness of it all. 

**_☾_ **

Eventually, Sangyeon and the other two left, deciding to call it a night, and leaving Kevin and Jacob to be alone with the night time, with each other. 

“You said you had something you wanted to show me?” Jacob began quietly. 

“Right!” Kevin said quickly, and grabbed Jacob’s hand only to drag him towards the door. Outside they stumbled along the street, turning into the alleyway where Kevin had found Jacob all those days ago.

Kevin felt the way Jacob’s hand squeezed his a little tighter as they passed through, but Kevin didn’t stop there, and instead continued down the darkened passage. They made it around to the back where the fire escape was. 

Kevin scaled it with ease, helping Jacob along behind him. Climbing stair after stair after stair until at last, they reached the roof.

It was nothing special, merely a giant concrete platform that’s dullness matched the rest of the building’s exterior. Kevin often liked coming up here at the end of a shift, letting the all encompassing anonymity cloud over him. Simply embracing his insignificance. 

But by far, the best part was the view. Thousands and thousands of streetlights and lives that shone from below. A million people without any idea of who they were or any kind of real purpose.

Jacob gasped. A tiny inhalation of breath that said everything Kevin had hoped he would say. Kevin could see all the lights of the city reflected in his eyes. A multitude of brilliantly coloured stars. 

They stood, hand in hand, silently soaking in the closeness of each other. The warmth they shared through this beautiful moment of quietness.

A window opened from somewhere below them. And it noisily shattered the atmosphere in one clamorous heartbeat. And then the music filled in the silence. Drifting lazily from that open window and coming to a grinding halt as it settled around them.

Jacob laughed softly at the fanciful nature of it all. But Kevin felt as though he knew the song. It was low and lumbering, and the melody felt old and familiar. Something he was certain he could play if he were given a piano. 

Jacob stepped back and swept into an awkward and wobbly looking half bow. Kevin watched with an amused smile. “Could I have this dance, sir?” Jacob said, with a false sounding accent and an outstretched hand. 

Kevin laid his hand in Jacob’s as he stood. Pressing against each other and fitting together like two pieces of an indescribable puzzle.

They swayed at first, Jacob’s spare hand resting in the curve of Kevin’s waist and Kevin’s holding firmly onto his shoulder. Their joined hands leading the way. Soon they spun, twisting together above a view that was almost tailor made for the two of them.

Kevin thought of the Orchestra, of this immaculate opportunity he’d never even considered in a thousand years. He’d have to call his mother and father. Finally let them know he was getting somewhere with this ‘nonsensical dream’ of his. But mostly he thought of Jacob, how wonderful he looked this evening, with his stupid smile that Kevin couldn’t seem to stop falling in love with. And his pressed shirt and fitted pants.

Jacob was watching him with adoration practically overflowing over the edges of himself. Kevin pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth, smiled when Jacob pulled him in for a proper one. Holding each other tight and gifting tender caresses and touches. 

They twirled along the dreary roof, doing all they could to only watch each other. Tripping over feet as they went. Laughing and smiling. Stealing kisses in unexpected moments. 

Hands and hearts hopelessly aligned. 

Performing a spectacular display of love for a nameless crowd that could never watch.

**Author's Note:**

> [twt](https://twitter.com/thekeehorse)  
> • [cc](https://curiouscat.me/ghoulhwa)  
> 


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